When I was in sixth grade, I had a homoerotic encounter with another male. I consented, but probably because I was a spineless weakling who took orders from everybody out of desperation for peer acceptance.
In high school I drew penises. Lots of them. I was a disgusting little voyeur who was fascinated by homosexuality (as far back as eighth grade), though publicly dated girls and enjoyed the sex I had with them. Very much so.
I was always afraid of "stronger" men, but was fascinated by them. (picture me in sixth grade, peering form behind a bush at all the "alpha" males, wanting to be seen with them). Needless to say, talking to these "uber" men turned me into a sputtering little school girl. I just assumed I was mildly socially retarded.
At age 18, I experimented with magic mushrooms. Alot, actually. One trip in particular happened freshmen year of college; during that trip (in my room, by myself!) my "visions" went from cool to incredibly gay. *see details
I was terrified, yet at the time I considered myself a straight guy who just "accepted" homosexuality. I'd never gotten a boner or anything.
I started getting flashback a month after that trip, and I was suddenly convinced I was gay/bisexual. But those mushrooms did something to my mind, and instead of accepting it, I flat out rejected it. I started killing my brain with drugs and alcohol to "get the gay out". I finally went on paxil, which dulled my imagination enough to quell the constant influx of gay imagery ala shroom flashback.
Now, I'm 24 and a depressed bum living with mom and dad. Recently, I've finally taken to looking at gay porn; now I'm obsessed. I don't know if I should explore this in Chicago's Boystown by myself to try and see if I feel a "vibe". I want to call myself a bisexual, but I worry that it's just a justification for being an adult slacker (even though it actually kind of is, in context).
I'm not even sure what I'm asking, since I'm mentally ill.
???
In high school I drew penises. Lots of them. I was a disgusting little voyeur who was fascinated by homosexuality (as far back as eighth grade), though publicly dated girls and enjoyed the sex I had with them. Very much so.
I was always afraid of "stronger" men, but was fascinated by them. (picture me in sixth grade, peering form behind a bush at all the "alpha" males, wanting to be seen with them). Needless to say, talking to these "uber" men turned me into a sputtering little school girl. I just assumed I was mildly socially retarded.
At age 18, I experimented with magic mushrooms. Alot, actually. One trip in particular happened freshmen year of college; during that trip (in my room, by myself!) my "visions" went from cool to incredibly gay. *see details
I was terrified, yet at the time I considered myself a straight guy who just "accepted" homosexuality. I'd never gotten a boner or anything.
I started getting flashback a month after that trip, and I was suddenly convinced I was gay/bisexual. But those mushrooms did something to my mind, and instead of accepting it, I flat out rejected it. I started killing my brain with drugs and alcohol to "get the gay out". I finally went on paxil, which dulled my imagination enough to quell the constant influx of gay imagery ala shroom flashback.
Now, I'm 24 and a depressed bum living with mom and dad. Recently, I've finally taken to looking at gay porn; now I'm obsessed. I don't know if I should explore this in Chicago's Boystown by myself to try and see if I feel a "vibe". I want to call myself a bisexual, but I worry that it's just a justification for being an adult slacker (even though it actually kind of is, in context).
I'm not even sure what I'm asking, since I'm mentally ill.
???