One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. ?******
?*****
*St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. ?****** ?****
**St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? ?****** ?******They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." ?****** ?****
**St. Peter let him through the gate. ?****** ?******
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" ?****** ?****
**Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." ?****** ?******"That's right! You may enter." ?****** ?***
***St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. ?****** ?******As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. ?****** ?******To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore. ?****** ?******When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. ?****** ?******The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
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At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" ?****** ?******She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." ?****** ?******The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" ?****** ?******She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." ?****** ?******The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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hicago sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal management conference in Indiana. While driving through a rural area, their car broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse. ?****** ?******The farmer told them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his barn. ?****** ?******The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to sleep. ?****** ?******The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door. It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that started the great Chicago fire. He had tried to sleep, but kept having nightmares where they were kicking over lanterns and setting the barn ablaze. ?****** ?******The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the barn." ?****** ?******Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the cows and pigs.
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An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. ?****** ?******"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
?*****
*St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. ?****** ?****
**St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? ?****** ?******They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." ?****** ?****
**St. Peter let him through the gate. ?****** ?******
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" ?****** ?****
**Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." ?****** ?******"That's right! You may enter." ?****** ?***
***St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
---------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. ?****** ?******As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. ?****** ?******To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore. ?****** ?******When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. ?****** ?******The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
--------------
At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" ?****** ?******She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." ?****** ?******The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" ?****** ?******She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." ?****** ?******The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
-----------
hicago sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal management conference in Indiana. While driving through a rural area, their car broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse. ?****** ?******The farmer told them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his barn. ?****** ?******The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to sleep. ?****** ?******The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door. It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that started the great Chicago fire. He had tried to sleep, but kept having nightmares where they were kicking over lanterns and setting the barn ablaze. ?****** ?******The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the barn." ?****** ?******Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the cows and pigs.
--------
An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. ?****** ?******"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
