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<blockquote data-quote="MyFadedDreams" data-source="post: 2551563" data-attributes="member: 849184">It didn&#039;t really grab my attention at first. When you showed some hostility from James, I was a little more intrigued, but you lost my intrest again with some of the description and the flashback. Its also a little wordy. It seemed like you have a lot of words and phrases and descriptions that aren&#039;t necessary. You might want to try and clean it up a bit. For example, you have &quot;James, who must have gotten tired of his looks, snapped.&quot; I think it would read better simply &quot;James snapped.&quot; Little things like that---if its unnecessary or repetitive, its probably best to cut it out. The last bit with Daniel hitting his head on the steering wheel just seemed a little ridiculous to me. I really couldn&#039;t take it seriously. I don&#039;t know any mature person who would do that, especially in the middle of traffic. That&#039;s just my thoughts though. Anyways, your writing is pretty good and the grammar looks solid. I think you should just work on cleaning it up a bit and trying to get readers more interested from the beginning.BQ: Her attitude. She&#039;s so arrogant and oppinionated.BQ2: If it fit the story, sure. But it doesn&#039;t, so no.BQ3: not bad. I&#039;m editing right now</blockquote>

[QUOTE="MyFadedDreams, post: 2551563, member: 849184"] It didn't really grab my attention at first. When you showed some hostility from James, I was a little more intrigued, but you lost my intrest again with some of the description and the flashback. Its also a little wordy. It seemed like you have a lot of words and phrases and descriptions that aren't necessary. You might want to try and clean it up a bit. For example, you have "James, who must have gotten tired of his looks, snapped." I think it would read better simply "James snapped." Little things like that---if its unnecessary or repetitive, its probably best to cut it out. The last bit with Daniel hitting his head on the steering wheel just seemed a little ridiculous to me. I really couldn't take it seriously. I don't know any mature person who would do that, especially in the middle of traffic. That's just my thoughts though. Anyways, your writing is pretty good and the grammar looks solid. I think you should just work on cleaning it up a bit and trying to get readers more interested from the beginning. BQ: Her attitude. She's so arrogant and oppinionated. BQ2: If it fit the story, sure. But it doesn't, so no. BQ3: not bad. I'm editing right now [/QUOTE]

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