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<blockquote data-quote="hotwheels122287" data-source="post: 2716865" data-attributes="member: 687786">this depends on what grade you are in.&nbsp; as a college student myself i would say this needs work -- its not too long though as the first answer has stated -- but it could use better vocabulary..&nbsp; also, avoid asking questions in ANY essay.&nbsp; make your questions into assertions, along with your actual assertions that you HAVE put in there avoid &quot;all about&quot;&nbsp; unless you can 100% prove this with facts.&nbsp; dont put YOUR opinions in as facts unless you can back yourself up.&nbsp; &quot;allegedly made a mistake&quot; ? no, they have been proven guilty by the a judge and jury... &quot;allegedly&quot; is out the window once sentencing is finished as far as the government is concerned.you also need to check for fragmented sentences other grammar mistakes and misspelled words....also, you have a very weak thesis statement... if you even have one....you havent explained WHAT your essay is going to be about...or if you have, you have done poorly</blockquote>

[QUOTE="hotwheels122287, post: 2716865, member: 687786"] this depends on what grade you are in. as a college student myself i would say this needs work -- its not too long though as the first answer has stated -- but it could use better vocabulary.. also, avoid asking questions in ANY essay. make your questions into assertions, along with your actual assertions that you HAVE put in there avoid "all about" unless you can 100% prove this with facts. dont put YOUR opinions in as facts unless you can back yourself up. "allegedly made a mistake" ? no, they have been proven guilty by the a judge and jury... "allegedly" is out the window once sentencing is finished as far as the government is concerned. you also need to check for fragmented sentences other grammar mistakes and misspelled words.... also, you have a very weak thesis statement... if you even have one....you havent explained WHAT your essay is going to be about...or if you have, you have done poorly [/QUOTE]

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