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<blockquote data-quote="mKittyleKittsterm" data-source="post: 2563322" data-attributes="member: 872756">Not bad - a few notes:- you don&#039;t quite structure dialogue correctly. If there&#039;s a dialogue tag afterward, use a comma, not a full stop, and don&#039;t capitalize afterward (even if it&#039;s an exclaimation point or a question mark).&quot;I&#039;d better make this quick,&#039; he mumbled.&quot;You&#039;re impossible!&quot; he whispered (also, the word whisper doesn&#039;t sound quite right after an exclamation point).- There&#039;s no sense of how the MC is feeling. I remember every thought that was going through my head just before my first kiss, everything from &quot;OMG, he actually likes me&quot; to &quot;I hope my lips aren&#039;t dry&quot; to &quot;OMG he&#039;s so cute...&quot; (yeah, yeah, I&#039;m a real-life Mary Sue, whatever....). I&#039;m not getting that feeling from your MC. There&#039;s a lot of dialogue, but no action and I&#039;m not sure about the setting.- The &quot;his breath hot and ragged&quot; against my face was kind of disgusting. All right, &quot;disgusting&quot; is a harsh word, but it really is. If my boyfriend started breathing on my face, I&#039;d push him away.- &quot;boredom&quot; was misspelled.- There are a few too many new paragraphs - that is, breaks where there shouldn&#039;t be breaks.Aside from that, not bad at all.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="mKittyleKittsterm, post: 2563322, member: 872756"] Not bad - a few notes: - you don't quite structure dialogue correctly. If there's a dialogue tag afterward, use a comma, not a full stop, and don't capitalize afterward (even if it's an exclaimation point or a question mark). "I'd better make this quick,' he mumbled. "You're impossible!" he whispered (also, the word whisper doesn't sound quite right after an exclamation point). - There's no sense of how the MC is feeling. I remember every thought that was going through my head just before my first kiss, everything from "OMG, he actually likes me" to "I hope my lips aren't dry" to "OMG he's so cute..." (yeah, yeah, I'm a real-life Mary Sue, whatever....). I'm not getting that feeling from your MC. There's a lot of dialogue, but no action and I'm not sure about the setting. - The "his breath hot and ragged" against my face was kind of disgusting. All right, "disgusting" is a harsh word, but it really is. If my boyfriend started breathing on my face, I'd push him away. - "boredom" was misspelled. - There are a few too many new paragraphs - that is, breaks where there shouldn't be breaks. Aside from that, not bad at all. [/QUOTE]

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