How is this for an opening scene?

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GavBrown

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All Declan could see through the scrubby underbrush was his father's hands, bound together behind the slim oak so tightly that color had already fled his fingertips, leaving them a sickly whitish-yellow.

Declan shifted, trying to see more, but his mother's arms encircled his chest even more tightly, her nails digging sharply into his ribs. "Still!" she breathed, the word quiet but filled with fear. He obeyed, crouching even lower behind the snowberry bush, still staring at the hands. He could feel his mother's heart jittering against his back. He looked to his right, and could see half a dozen faces hiding next to him, carved into identical expressions of terror.

He turned back to his father bound to the trunk, watching those hands, watching the cloud of breath that puffed out from behind the tree, hanging silvery in the frigid early morning air. He was still alive.

Voices- strong, excited voices-muttered at the far end of the clearing, about thirty feet to Declan's right. He hoped they would keep congratulating each other and slapping backs, because he didn't want to know what happened when that all stopped. But he thought he knew, anyway. He knew really, right? This was always going to happen, as his mother constantly reminded him.

Finally, the chatter did stop. Heavy thuds approached them. A pair of boots stopped within a few inches of Declan's hiding place, and he could see that they were the trappings of a soldier from the Gilded Kingdom. Gold paint flaked off the cheap metal boots, leaving behind a glittering trail as the knight walked towards Declan's father.

"Gave us a bit of a chase, but we caught you. The hounds will always catch the fox, eh? But you did quite..."

A phlegmy spitting sound turned the cruel, teasing voice into a roar of rage.

"DOG!" A hard slap rang out in the woods, and the hands spasmed.

The voice came back, softer and more dangerous than before."Want to skip the niceties, eh? Get right to the point? Fine by me."
 
i actually love it, but when the circulation stops and the fingertips change color, they turn purpleish-blue. but amazing and so suspenseful! keeps you on your toes! so amazing! :) good luck and tell me when it gets published :3
 
Yeah, usually tied limbs would be reddish purple unless the shear cold of the elements had taken its toll turning them a shiverly, pasty white.
 
Most fingers turn purple, then blue when the circulation is cut off. Other than that, and few grammatical errors, I think this is pretty good, and I'd read more as soon as there is more you're willing to post. One recommendation. Whether this is a kind of prologue, first chapter, or first scene, I recommend extending it. It's a bit short.
 
assuming this is a first draf it is a great start. Don't let yourself be dissuaded by what other people think and just keep writing!! I can see you have it in you if you keep it going.


The only suggestion I will make is to avoid redundent words that do not help.

"He turned back to his father bound to the trunk, watching those hands, watching the cloud of breath...

We already know his hands are bound to the trunk because you told us that earlier. By simply saying "He turned back to his father, watching those hands..." We are already invisioning him bound to the tree from what you told us earlier. Wait, I already said that last part in different words didn't I.

Also be careful how you use your wording. It sounds almost like he turned to his father and his father was watching his own hands, which can't be possible in this situation! And his mother grabbed him, but did she turn him around? It might sound better something like "his gaze returned to his father and he watched his hands, the cloud of breath..."


Anyway, just some ideas to think of while you write, but nevermind these petty details - keep writing.
 
Excellent!

Tips:
1. Information is only new once. Don't mention the same thing twice.
2. Get rid of, "He knew really, right?" you already said he knew and it's too modern for a knight's tale.
3. When circulation is cut off the area turns "cyanotic" which means blue.

Your have most of the elements of a strong opening image.
You have mood, tone, style, stakes, and scope of the story.
You've put the hero "in media res" which is, "in the middle of things" which is where all good stories start.

You have your readers saying, "This is going to be good!"

Keep going, the end is easy. But study for the middle. Middles are killers. Most people quit on a novel when the come to the middle. You have to know what you're doing.

The middle needs:

1.The hero leaves the familiar and embarks on a journey in the unfamiliar.
2.The mentor or buddy or love interest makes a debut at the beginning of the middle.
3.Lots of trouble for the hero.
4. Midpoint: Middle of the middle-Gotta have a midpoint. The midpoint can go either way: it can be an "up" which would be a false "up" where it looks like the hero is winning. Or it can be a "down" where it looks like the hero's whole world has collapsed. But it has to be a false "down" because the real down comes towards the end of the third act.
5. Bad guys amp it up.
6. A hint of death: this is where someone or something usually dies. The mentor, the sidekick, the pet dragon, the boiled bunny, etc.
7. The darkness just before the dawn. This is the lowest point in the story. It looks like the entire cast and mission is doomed.

Got through the middle? Great onward and upward to the end!
Keep writing! Luck has nothing to do with it, hard work, study, and perserverance will get you further than talent, and you have talent. But remember talent is not enough. Learn your craft.
 
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