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<blockquote data-quote="reignofcheese" data-source="post: 2652878" data-attributes="member: 532134">assuming this is a first draf it is a great start.&nbsp; Don&#039;t let yourself be dissuaded by what other people think and just keep writing!!&nbsp;&nbsp; I can see you have it in you if you keep it going.The only suggestion I will make is to avoid redundent words that do not help.&quot;He turned back to his father bound to the trunk, watching those hands, watching the cloud of breath...We already know his hands are bound to the trunk because you told us that earlier.&nbsp; By simply saying &quot;He turned back to his father, watching those hands...&quot; We are already invisioning him bound to the tree from what you told us earlier.&nbsp; Wait, I already said that last part in different words didn&#039;t I.Also be careful how you use your wording.&nbsp; It sounds almost like he turned to his father and his father was watching his own hands, which can&#039;t be possible in this situation!&nbsp; And his mother grabbed him, but did she turn him around?&nbsp; It might sound better something like &quot;his gaze returned to his father and he watched his hands, the cloud of breath...&quot;Anyway, just some ideas to think of while you write, but nevermind these petty details - keep writing.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="reignofcheese, post: 2652878, member: 532134"] assuming this is a first draf it is a great start. Don't let yourself be dissuaded by what other people think and just keep writing!! I can see you have it in you if you keep it going. The only suggestion I will make is to avoid redundent words that do not help. "He turned back to his father bound to the trunk, watching those hands, watching the cloud of breath... We already know his hands are bound to the trunk because you told us that earlier. By simply saying "He turned back to his father, watching those hands..." We are already invisioning him bound to the tree from what you told us earlier. Wait, I already said that last part in different words didn't I. Also be careful how you use your wording. It sounds almost like he turned to his father and his father was watching his own hands, which can't be possible in this situation! And his mother grabbed him, but did she turn him around? It might sound better something like "his gaze returned to his father and he watched his hands, the cloud of breath..." Anyway, just some ideas to think of while you write, but nevermind these petty details - keep writing. [/QUOTE]

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