I planned on me, my mom & my bridesmaids (my 2 sisters) going to try on dresses. My fiance got upset b/c his mother wasn't invited. It old him it was just tradition in my family for the the FMIL to see the dress on the day of the wedding. It actually didnt' even cross my mind as I was just excited about the experience to bond with the women in my own family but now my FMIL thinks I'm leaving her out maliciously & says her feelings are crushed. I had no idea that this was even an issue, like I said in my family the FMIL was never there. On top of it my mom & my FMIL don't get along whatsover & every event where they are together is tense & awkward. If I invite her my mom will be unhappy she's there & that it's against tradition. If I don't invite her my FMIL will think its done on purpose just to hurt her feelings. What can I do???
How to tell my future mother in law she's not invited wedding dress shopping?
Thetruthhurts1
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- Jul 8, 2008
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your FMIL should take her SON tux shopping if she insists on picking out the wedding clothes.
The bride takes her family and/or some of her wedding party - first because its usually the bride's parents PAYING for the dress; 2nd they know the bride, what she likes, what she is planning for her wedding. The future in laws do not know you well enough to pick a dress that fits your personality and looks nice.
I do have a possible solution for you --- If she's offended she doesn't get to go dress shopping that is NOT your problem. You don't need the stress. If she brings it up apologize that she wasn't invited. If you want you can find something else - maybe menu planning or cake tasting where she can have some REAL input -she knows what her son and her family like and don't like....
Your mom's going to have to suck it up and let you involve her in giving input on some aspects of the wedding. It's too bad the mothers don't get along... they're going to have to learn to share the two of you for a very long time.
The bride takes her family and/or some of her wedding party - first because its usually the bride's parents PAYING for the dress; 2nd they know the bride, what she likes, what she is planning for her wedding. The future in laws do not know you well enough to pick a dress that fits your personality and looks nice.
I do have a possible solution for you --- If she's offended she doesn't get to go dress shopping that is NOT your problem. You don't need the stress. If she brings it up apologize that she wasn't invited. If you want you can find something else - maybe menu planning or cake tasting where she can have some REAL input -she knows what her son and her family like and don't like....
Your mom's going to have to suck it up and let you involve her in giving input on some aspects of the wedding. It's too bad the mothers don't get along... they're going to have to learn to share the two of you for a very long time.
Your FMIL doesn't have the right to feel crushed, or maliciously excluded by not being invited. It's your choice whom you invite, and taking a tribe of people shopping is a recipe for disaster. That said, if you want to invite her, it would be nice, but you don't have to. Say that taking too many people is a bad idea, and your family is whom you really wanted.
Likewise, there's no "tradition" about who goes dress shopping, and if you really want your FMIL there, your mother should accept your decision, and not whine that some "tradition" is being broken.
Your fiance should respect your decision about whom you invited. He could have asked you privately about asking his mother, but he should not have told his mother, it was none of her business. Somehow, I doubt he is as solicitous about your family as he is about his own. Does he plan on inviting your father to help him pick a tux?
Likewise, there's no "tradition" about who goes dress shopping, and if you really want your FMIL there, your mother should accept your decision, and not whine that some "tradition" is being broken.
Your fiance should respect your decision about whom you invited. He could have asked you privately about asking his mother, but he should not have told his mother, it was none of her business. Somehow, I doubt he is as solicitous about your family as he is about his own. Does he plan on inviting your father to help him pick a tux?
KeepOnLoving
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- Mar 30, 2009
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You have been given a rare gift of knowing ahead of time that people don't already get along... get cold feet & don't look back.... seriously, conflict w/in-laws, hard feelings, jealousies, etc... can damage a marriage & have been the cause of unhappy marriages & splits.... really, I do believe in getting the blessings of both sides of a family before a couple marries... that's not fool-proof, tho, cuz some ppl are two-faced & like to pull out the meanness later after they believe you're trapped... =/
fizzystuff
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- Apr 10, 2008
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Your fiancé and MIL are hyper sensitive.
There are no rules or traditions regarding who goes to pick out the dress. You just ask whoever you want.
Tell her you didn't think it was a big deal. Now there are already too many people going and you want to keep the dress a secret anyway. She has no right to be hurt and shame on your fiancé for perpetuating this situation. Tell him he needs to diffuse it because this is ridiculous it should not be an issue at all.
There are no rules or traditions regarding who goes to pick out the dress. You just ask whoever you want.
Tell her you didn't think it was a big deal. Now there are already too many people going and you want to keep the dress a secret anyway. She has no right to be hurt and shame on your fiancé for perpetuating this situation. Tell him he needs to diffuse it because this is ridiculous it should not be an issue at all.
well, to start...why is she privvy to the fact ur even going shopping yet or when?.I am really shy and just wanted my mom, sis and bff there....but all the bridesmaids told me they really wanted to be there, etc...well, I didn't wanna hurt their feelings. So, I went shopping, unbeknownst to them and when I found the dress I told them it was an impromptu visit to a bridal salon and it wasn't that I didn't want them to be there. My fiance' was a little annoyed that I didn't want to invite everyone...(some of hte bridesmaids are his friends too) but I explained to him that if he wants me to find MY dress and not get stressed the F out, then let me shop how I want. =)
I don't agree with a lot of these answers, because when you set everything aside, your FMIL is being insanely entitled to expect to be part of this. And your fiance didn't help by getting upset himself. He should have sided with you, because the truth is, FMIL's are not part of this group in many or most cases (for the same reason she's not included - you want just a couple people closest to you).
In fact, wedding shops encourage only one or 2 extras, because each additional person adds more time to the whole experience. So, in this one isolated instance, stand your ground.
Obviously, I don't know the backstory or why the 2 moms hate each other, but parts of this are kind of a red flag. You and your fiance are walking a fine line here, and the 2 of you need to have a long talk about priorities. You're engaged, which means that you have each other's back and you want to present a united front to EVERYONE (especially parents who don't get along). This means compromise and giving in on littler things, but standing up for each other on the bigger ones.
You may have to talk to your FMIL, calm her down by explaining this isn't the norm, offer up something to make her feel better, etc. But it starts with you and your fiance supporting each others decisions, and both moms may need to be told that you have a new priority now - each other.
In fact, wedding shops encourage only one or 2 extras, because each additional person adds more time to the whole experience. So, in this one isolated instance, stand your ground.
Obviously, I don't know the backstory or why the 2 moms hate each other, but parts of this are kind of a red flag. You and your fiance are walking a fine line here, and the 2 of you need to have a long talk about priorities. You're engaged, which means that you have each other's back and you want to present a united front to EVERYONE (especially parents who don't get along). This means compromise and giving in on littler things, but standing up for each other on the bigger ones.
You may have to talk to your FMIL, calm her down by explaining this isn't the norm, offer up something to make her feel better, etc. But it starts with you and your fiance supporting each others decisions, and both moms may need to be told that you have a new priority now - each other.
armygirlfriend2011
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- Sep 27, 2011
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Just talk to your FMIL. Its probably best that you explain the situation to her instead of her son. Tell her that its a tradition in your family that the FMIL doesn't see the dress until the wedding day and you want to continue that tradition.
I think you should take you FMIL to at least one of your dress fitting appoinments. This way, you get the shopping experience you want and she still feels included in the process. Take her out for dinner and just make it a fun day for the two of you. Maybe ask her opinion on veils or other accessories, like jewelry.
Paula12481632
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- Oct 1, 2011
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Since the two mothers never need to meet except on your wedding day, the fact that they don't get on isn't a problem itself.
Yeah I too am surprised your FMIL even knew you were doing it. Does she have any daughters? If yes, she can suck it up. If no, be a bit more sympathetic, perhaps include her on something else.
Yeah I too am surprised your FMIL even knew you were doing it. Does she have any daughters? If yes, she can suck it up. If no, be a bit more sympathetic, perhaps include her on something else.
Phone your FMIL and tell her that you heard she was upset. Tell her that you're deeply sorry that she feels the way she does, but including a FMIL was never part of your tradition, therefore you didn't think about it. Tell her that she is free to call you any time she feels the need to clarify things. Don't invite her shopping, just tell her your sorry she misinterpreted the situation.
notworried
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- Oct 10, 2011
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You can go with your side then go another day with anyone on your FIL side (his sister, mom, aunt, grandma etc.) Even if you have a dress picked out, you can try on things they like, suggest etc. It will smooth things over and make them happy. I know it sucks, but they will be in your life forever, no use trying to stick it to them this go around. Besides, you and your side will have already had the "real deal" and this will be to pacify them; they will see the final dress on the wedding day like you planned b/c you don't need to have them see it when you "go out."
I agree with the whole its my deal attitude because it truly is YOUR day...but it will just make things messy- however, if you really don't mind telling her how you feel you can just smile and say " I would have liked to be there when you picked out your dress but I wasn't invited."
I agree with the whole its my deal attitude because it truly is YOUR day...but it will just make things messy- however, if you really don't mind telling her how you feel you can just smile and say " I would have liked to be there when you picked out your dress but I wasn't invited."
CoreyEvans
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- Oct 13, 2011
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Its your wedding day she will get over it! Its not the end of the world (although she may make it out to be bc she is envious) also it maybe alittle that you are marrying her son lol and she doenst want to let go of him
JennyLynne1
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- Jul 13, 2010
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First mistake, mentioning to anyone, but that's water over the bridge as they say. Make one trip with Mother, sisters and look and pick the one you like. Then to pamper fiance and his Mother and also who is he marrying you or his Mother?? Cut the apron strings now, but this must be done slowly. You don't want a confrontation over this right now, not the right time, learn to pick your battles and where and when. To keep this from blowing up even further, invite future MIL and just you and she and have a girls day out and show her the ones you like, but you really wanted her opinion before making a final decision////don't really lie, just work around the truth==All is fair in love and war. Also, give in and let her pick the garter or some such. Then go ahead and buy the one (dress) you like, you don't necessarily have to pick out the one you like on the "shopping day" with MIL. You can already have order placed or style no. of dress written down, but in this case for the sake of your sanity, do this bit of "babying" simply to save you future stress because she will only get worse and tell Mom to try to help out a bit, bend a little for right now, tell her you need her help with future MIL and ask her to be the better person right now to help you get thru your wedding as stress free as possible. If you don't as another old saying goes "nip it in the bud", this sounds to me like future planning equals more stress. Placate her this time and next time, keep your plans to yourself. From an old (distance is the answer) hen who has a MIL from XXXX.
Well there is always you just want that time with your mom and sisters but...
One thing you need to realize you're joining a whole new family who have their own traditions and the way they do things, so you need to learn to compromise between your two families. His family will do things the direct opposite the way yours does and yours will do the same. Neither of you is right or wrong.
You can tell her she isn't invited or welcome but no matter how nicely you phrase it she is going to feel left out and hurt whether it was intentional or not. Its going to send off a statement that you think your family is more important than his is, whether or not that is true.
I'm not saying you have to or should invite her, but learn to pick your battles. Also, you need to realize this is his wedding too.
I invited my MIL to my dress shopping, while I'm not super close to her my husband is and he wanted his mom and sisters included in some of the pre-wedding planning things which I had no issues with. His sisters were 2 of my bridesmaids anyway and I get along well with his mom. If your fiance doesn't have any sisters this may be one of the few chances she would get to go dress shopping with a "daughter".
Your mom and his mom don't need to be besties or even like each other but they do need to learn to co-exist, one mom is just as important as the other. If you have children they will both be there for your baby shower, birthday parties, school graduations and other things.
Both of my brothers are married and during their wedding planning with their wives I learned the daughter-in-law not to be. My mom was left out of pretty much everything (and she contributed financially to both weddings) and I saw how hurtful it was. So when I did my wedding planning, I opted to be the better person and I included my MIL and SIL's in things.
One thing you need to realize you're joining a whole new family who have their own traditions and the way they do things, so you need to learn to compromise between your two families. His family will do things the direct opposite the way yours does and yours will do the same. Neither of you is right or wrong.
You can tell her she isn't invited or welcome but no matter how nicely you phrase it she is going to feel left out and hurt whether it was intentional or not. Its going to send off a statement that you think your family is more important than his is, whether or not that is true.
I'm not saying you have to or should invite her, but learn to pick your battles. Also, you need to realize this is his wedding too.
I invited my MIL to my dress shopping, while I'm not super close to her my husband is and he wanted his mom and sisters included in some of the pre-wedding planning things which I had no issues with. His sisters were 2 of my bridesmaids anyway and I get along well with his mom. If your fiance doesn't have any sisters this may be one of the few chances she would get to go dress shopping with a "daughter".
Your mom and his mom don't need to be besties or even like each other but they do need to learn to co-exist, one mom is just as important as the other. If you have children they will both be there for your baby shower, birthday parties, school graduations and other things.
Both of my brothers are married and during their wedding planning with their wives I learned the daughter-in-law not to be. My mom was left out of pretty much everything (and she contributed financially to both weddings) and I saw how hurtful it was. So when I did my wedding planning, I opted to be the better person and I included my MIL and SIL's in things.