saracyanide
New member
- Jan 27, 2011
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So I am a 21 year old female.
Well, sorry if this is long.
I never thought of sexuality until when I was in 10th grade and my friend thought she was bi and explained it to me, and I freaked out because I thought omg what if I am bi? It consumed me. for a long time. Ever since then I started freaking out and having panic attacks. I was interested in guys at the time but didnt really care. I would date and be in relationships, but I was never into it and when I did kiss guys I was kinda like this is gross, I still find men very attrective. However I don't think I could be in a relatioship with one. Anytime I masterbate or watch anything that goes with that I cant ever do anything thinking of guys, only girls. When I did have sex with my boyfriend I thought the whole thing was awkward and strange and I didnt like it at all in any way shape or form. I then started getting panic and anxiety attacks around the clock and even went to the hospital a couple times because of them. There is absolutly nothing with me, I went to my doctors had ekgs, echocardiogram, holter monitor, blood tests, chest xrays, (because I was getting intense palpitations and strong beats and then my heart would race) nope there is nothing wrong with me at all.
So I wanted some relief so I started going to church and that helped at first and I got really into it, I went to an assembly of God church, they are kinda intense there. So I did that whole thing and got involeved in it deeply. Then the palpitations started happening when I would go so I would end up leaving because I thought I was going to die. I kept going and the palpitations stopped but my anxiety was always sky high, I fig=dgeted and anything that was wrong with me I was convinved I was going to kick the bucket. I have a friend who is a lesbian, and I would talk to her an when I would go hang out at her house I sometimes thought "you are gay" and I thought I was thinking that to scare myself. So I ignored it. Well fast forward several months and now I think that I am gay, I am pretty sure. But the whole Christian thing has started to get to me, I do beleive in Jesus and God and all that, but now because I know I am gay pretty much, I feel like I am plagued, like I am going to hell and yadda yadda yadda. I do not like feeling this way at all. I have been praying for God to reveal himself to me so that I would know for sure and I would just force myself to change. But I know that I cant change myself, I am just feeling conflicted. I know that no one can tell me what my sexuality is but if anyone could just state their non hateful opinion that would be fantastic. Also when I finally realized I was, all my anxiety left, which is a miracle. Except tonight when I had like one bad heart palpitation and it scared me, so I instantly start praying and ask God to forgive of my sins, I think I had it because I wasnt breathing, sometimes when I get caught up in something I hold my breath, because I took a breath and it was fine, it has happened before.
I just feel so conflicted like I am a bad person, but I know I am not.. I just dont want to go to hell.
I did not choose to be this way, I just am me,
Well, sorry if this is long.
I never thought of sexuality until when I was in 10th grade and my friend thought she was bi and explained it to me, and I freaked out because I thought omg what if I am bi? It consumed me. for a long time. Ever since then I started freaking out and having panic attacks. I was interested in guys at the time but didnt really care. I would date and be in relationships, but I was never into it and when I did kiss guys I was kinda like this is gross, I still find men very attrective. However I don't think I could be in a relatioship with one. Anytime I masterbate or watch anything that goes with that I cant ever do anything thinking of guys, only girls. When I did have sex with my boyfriend I thought the whole thing was awkward and strange and I didnt like it at all in any way shape or form. I then started getting panic and anxiety attacks around the clock and even went to the hospital a couple times because of them. There is absolutly nothing with me, I went to my doctors had ekgs, echocardiogram, holter monitor, blood tests, chest xrays, (because I was getting intense palpitations and strong beats and then my heart would race) nope there is nothing wrong with me at all.
So I wanted some relief so I started going to church and that helped at first and I got really into it, I went to an assembly of God church, they are kinda intense there. So I did that whole thing and got involeved in it deeply. Then the palpitations started happening when I would go so I would end up leaving because I thought I was going to die. I kept going and the palpitations stopped but my anxiety was always sky high, I fig=dgeted and anything that was wrong with me I was convinved I was going to kick the bucket. I have a friend who is a lesbian, and I would talk to her an when I would go hang out at her house I sometimes thought "you are gay" and I thought I was thinking that to scare myself. So I ignored it. Well fast forward several months and now I think that I am gay, I am pretty sure. But the whole Christian thing has started to get to me, I do beleive in Jesus and God and all that, but now because I know I am gay pretty much, I feel like I am plagued, like I am going to hell and yadda yadda yadda. I do not like feeling this way at all. I have been praying for God to reveal himself to me so that I would know for sure and I would just force myself to change. But I know that I cant change myself, I am just feeling conflicted. I know that no one can tell me what my sexuality is but if anyone could just state their non hateful opinion that would be fantastic. Also when I finally realized I was, all my anxiety left, which is a miracle. Except tonight when I had like one bad heart palpitation and it scared me, so I instantly start praying and ask God to forgive of my sins, I think I had it because I wasnt breathing, sometimes when I get caught up in something I hold my breath, because I took a breath and it was fine, it has happened before.
I just feel so conflicted like I am a bad person, but I know I am not.. I just dont want to go to hell.
I did not choose to be this way, I just am me,
