Im 19 years old...
At age 15 through 16 I experimented, how this happened was a gradual process. I had a Tight nit group of friends, 4 of us. And as we got further into puberty all of us got more horny. First started the truth or dare things "I dare you to take of ur boxers and run outside in the cold", changing in front of each other for the pool, and then strutting our stuff " Lol Hey zack look, - what? Ahhhh ddduuude.... - haha got you". We got comfortable changing in front of each other etc etc, all normal boy stuff.
As time passed we started looking at porn, first without wiping it out. My friends consisted of me 2 brothers and another dude all who remain nameless. Now keep in mind, always spent the night at the brothers house, it was like our main meeting point. At 16 Basically this is when things started going south.
Me and my other friend "14", started jacking off watching porn. And then we started jacking each other off, which I was comfortable with, then the younger brother of the two started doing it with us "15", then he got uncomfortable and stopped.
But then we got more curious, and tried Bj's. I never suggested it he did, and I was curious so we did that, and for awhile actually. Whenever we were alone after the other two knocked out we would end up well you know and this is where my sexuality becomes a blur. I want to say I was abused... but It was voluntary... For some reason though I do feel I was taken advantage of. Which is weird because he was younger then me. But at the same time he was kind of steering this whole thing
At 17 1 year later I had to stop hanging out with everyone, because I could no longer deal with it.
Im 19 now and still deal with the confusion. Im Christian, was back then too, and for a time I kind of pushed god out of the window. Like many teens do once then get into high school. I know that when it got past the porn what I was doing was wronnnggg!!!! Its soo hard now though, I struggle with fantasy, I lust over the "Feelings" that the pleasure produced, the brotherhood that we kind of shared, I don't lust or love the idea of me being with a man, that fact makes me depressed. I don't want to be gay or considered bisexual. I had sex with a girl about 4 months ago, it kind of sucked. I read first time always dose... but wow... I was wearing a condom, and then I started to go down, Inside her. It was just really bad... and it seemed she was doing all the arousing, as if I couldn't get it up myself.
I though that once I had sex it would be better, and I could find something pure to lust over. If that makes sense? Better of the two evils I suppose. But it didn't... It just arose more questions!
Its now turning what I would assume to be a identity crisis. I don't really know who I like yet... I should know by now should I? I mean What I went through was a discovery "phase" that least 1 third of people go through in high school and come out fine.
But Im still lost... what should I do? I still dream about getting hand jobs by guys and giving them, and when I wake up, I feel full of guilt... and depressed, and I feel Sooo gay. I know you guys are going to ask me to list what I could to do to each sex so here it is...
Guy:
Already done Will never do
Masturbate Sex <----- ALL WITH A TONE OF GUILT
Shared Head Kiss
Girl:
Already done Will never do
Kiss (Blank) <------- ALL WIT NO GUILT, BUT IT SUCKED! AND
Finger WAS IN NO WAY A TURN ON!
Sex
Get Hand job
What should I do? Even though I have done more with a girl... I still don't lust over them? Why? This whole thing... issue... problem, I have been dealing with for 3 years, day after day, it constantly being in the back of my head. And popping up now and again, like tonight.
I personally think I need to see a counselor... But im in college and my parents are paying for everything right now, were all tight on $$ so I don't want to push this on them unless its absolutely necessary. What do you think? And if anyone knows of a Christian counseling, please post a link. I would greatly appreciate it.
At age 15 through 16 I experimented, how this happened was a gradual process. I had a Tight nit group of friends, 4 of us. And as we got further into puberty all of us got more horny. First started the truth or dare things "I dare you to take of ur boxers and run outside in the cold", changing in front of each other for the pool, and then strutting our stuff " Lol Hey zack look, - what? Ahhhh ddduuude.... - haha got you". We got comfortable changing in front of each other etc etc, all normal boy stuff.
As time passed we started looking at porn, first without wiping it out. My friends consisted of me 2 brothers and another dude all who remain nameless. Now keep in mind, always spent the night at the brothers house, it was like our main meeting point. At 16 Basically this is when things started going south.
Me and my other friend "14", started jacking off watching porn. And then we started jacking each other off, which I was comfortable with, then the younger brother of the two started doing it with us "15", then he got uncomfortable and stopped.
But then we got more curious, and tried Bj's. I never suggested it he did, and I was curious so we did that, and for awhile actually. Whenever we were alone after the other two knocked out we would end up well you know and this is where my sexuality becomes a blur. I want to say I was abused... but It was voluntary... For some reason though I do feel I was taken advantage of. Which is weird because he was younger then me. But at the same time he was kind of steering this whole thing
At 17 1 year later I had to stop hanging out with everyone, because I could no longer deal with it.
Im 19 now and still deal with the confusion. Im Christian, was back then too, and for a time I kind of pushed god out of the window. Like many teens do once then get into high school. I know that when it got past the porn what I was doing was wronnnggg!!!! Its soo hard now though, I struggle with fantasy, I lust over the "Feelings" that the pleasure produced, the brotherhood that we kind of shared, I don't lust or love the idea of me being with a man, that fact makes me depressed. I don't want to be gay or considered bisexual. I had sex with a girl about 4 months ago, it kind of sucked. I read first time always dose... but wow... I was wearing a condom, and then I started to go down, Inside her. It was just really bad... and it seemed she was doing all the arousing, as if I couldn't get it up myself.
I though that once I had sex it would be better, and I could find something pure to lust over. If that makes sense? Better of the two evils I suppose. But it didn't... It just arose more questions!
Its now turning what I would assume to be a identity crisis. I don't really know who I like yet... I should know by now should I? I mean What I went through was a discovery "phase" that least 1 third of people go through in high school and come out fine.
But Im still lost... what should I do? I still dream about getting hand jobs by guys and giving them, and when I wake up, I feel full of guilt... and depressed, and I feel Sooo gay. I know you guys are going to ask me to list what I could to do to each sex so here it is...
Guy:
Already done Will never do
Masturbate Sex <----- ALL WITH A TONE OF GUILT
Shared Head Kiss
Girl:
Already done Will never do
Kiss (Blank) <------- ALL WIT NO GUILT, BUT IT SUCKED! AND
Finger WAS IN NO WAY A TURN ON!
Sex
Get Hand job
What should I do? Even though I have done more with a girl... I still don't lust over them? Why? This whole thing... issue... problem, I have been dealing with for 3 years, day after day, it constantly being in the back of my head. And popping up now and again, like tonight.
I personally think I need to see a counselor... But im in college and my parents are paying for everything right now, were all tight on $$ so I don't want to push this on them unless its absolutely necessary. What do you think? And if anyone knows of a Christian counseling, please post a link. I would greatly appreciate it.