iPad acting very sporadically?

[donkeyscommand]

Just now whenever I use my iPad pressing somewhere causes something to happen somewhere else. It's almost like there's a finger somewhere else on the screen and pressing somewhere can even make it zoom in or click somewhere else. What's going on and how can I fix it? It's a new iPad and I'm freaking out! (Oh and by the way sometimes it seems to be ok but then stops working again)

 

[TedBatman]

You have to kiss it on the lips