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<blockquote data-quote="GodtheEditingDog" data-source="post: 2050279" data-attributes="member: 734125">EDIT: the person ahead of me, go jump in front of a train. You didn&#039;t even read the paragraph, it was bad.. real bad, and you tell him its good? Please go do your &quot;WOOT 2 POINTS LOL&quot; somewhere else.To be blunt, no one cares if it is your first time writing. Either something is good, or not. That said Lets take a look at that brick of text.. First thing i noticed &quot;As he walked into the bar , he stuck another marlboro in his mouth and lit it with a match&quot;You don&#039;t define who &#039;he&#039; is, it could be anyone.. You need to define it, something like (as terrible of a starting this is) &quot;Jake walked into the bar; he stuck another marlboro...&quot;Now we have jake, and can see clearly who &#039;he&#039; is, its jake.Reading on I notice everything is very vague, unneeded-ly vague.Grammar is terrible.Now we finally have &quot;smith&quot; And for some overly long and un-ironic reason, its ironic (it isn&#039;t)&quot;His name was brandon.. and it didn&#039;t suit him&quot;Why not? This makes no sense.About him whispering in the bartenders ear (hypothetically in the story) its in a bad spot...Next we suddenly have a guy named shark that brendan is hypothetically talking too, but then he is really talking too! (weird huh?)Uhh... I would recommend to you go and write something else, and learn about grammar and its importance to the English language. .5 (1/2)/5 stars</blockquote>

[QUOTE="GodtheEditingDog, post: 2050279, member: 734125"] EDIT: the person ahead of me, go jump in front of a train. You didn't even read the paragraph, it was bad.. real bad, and you tell him its good? Please go do your "WOOT 2 POINTS LOL" somewhere else. To be blunt, no one cares if it is your first time writing. Either something is good, or not. That said Lets take a look at that brick of text.. First thing i noticed "As he walked into the bar , he stuck another marlboro in his mouth and lit it with a match" You don't define who 'he' is, it could be anyone.. You need to define it, something like (as terrible of a starting this is) "Jake walked into the bar; he stuck another marlboro..." Now we have jake, and can see clearly who 'he' is, its jake. Reading on I notice everything is very vague, unneeded-ly vague. Grammar is terrible. Now we finally have "smith" And for some overly long and un-ironic reason, its ironic (it isn't) "His name was brandon.. and it didn't suit him" Why not? This makes no sense. About him whispering in the bartenders ear (hypothetically in the story) its in a bad spot... Next we suddenly have a guy named shark that brendan is hypothetically talking too, but then he is really talking too! (weird huh?) Uhh... I would recommend to you go and write something else, and learn about grammar and its importance to the English language. .5 (1/2)/5 stars [/QUOTE]

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