supposed to be for her? My mom has cancer. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel or how I'm supposed to react. At first, I was in denial. I comforted my mom and went to her appointments, but I still didn't feel like it was actually true. I guess it feels a bit more true now, but still not all the way (I know that's awful of me).
I've taken care of the cooking, cleaning, and yardwork for years. I've always surprised my mom with things and with cards. I've always spent time with her. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do now. I feel like I should be with her at every moment though. I also feel all the more pressure to be perfect for her, which sometimes makes me act the opposite (how evil of me).
With my daddy, I grew-up completely ignoring my feelings and pretending be super peppy at all times and being exactly who he wants me to be, but with my mom it's a little different (I've still always pretended a lot for her, but not all the time). So, with my dad, I deal with my feelings by being EDNOS and by self-injuring, because messing-up means losing his love (and hurting myself sometimes feels like the only way to deal). Now, with my mom, I feel like I need to treat her the same way I do my daddy. The pressure is so great. I have panic attacks and go crazy over having to be so different for him (I can't explain it, but when it gets really bad, I hurt myself for a long time and then just walk barefoot on our back roads in the middle of the night, because rape and some of the animals outside scare me-- in my sick mind this makes sense (because it also relates to something from my past)). I'm not sure how to become this same person for my mom 24/7. I do it for her a lot, but she knows about my anxiety, and before we found out about her cancer, I used to talk to her about it at times. I just don't know who to be for her. She has cancer, so I can't tell her sad stuff, I can't talk too much about something happy, and I have to be super careful to not accidentally whine at her (she blames me for stuff a lot and will ask me to do the exact opposite of what my dad tells me to do (after she's just heard him tell me what he wants me to do), and a couple of times I've whined at her (I try to explain in a normal voice, but when she pushes, I sometimes forget; a half of a second later I feel horrible and apologize, but I've still done it).
Everyone says how perfect my relationship is with my mom and how good I am to her (she even lies to me and says I'm good to her), but I'm not a good daughter. I try to be, but I'm so exhausted trying to be perfect for my dad that my mom gets the side of me that is proof I'm without a doubt going to H*ell when I die (my friends and my mom joke about me having a guilt-complex, but my mom should know better than anyone why I'm guilty-- I've whined at my mother who has cancer, who does that?).
This post is horrible of me. I want to make this clear, I love my parents. I absolutely adore them. It's just that I've already written a ton, so all of the good feelings seem to have been left out.
Thank you very much. I truly appreciate your time.
I've taken care of the cooking, cleaning, and yardwork for years. I've always surprised my mom with things and with cards. I've always spent time with her. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do now. I feel like I should be with her at every moment though. I also feel all the more pressure to be perfect for her, which sometimes makes me act the opposite (how evil of me).
With my daddy, I grew-up completely ignoring my feelings and pretending be super peppy at all times and being exactly who he wants me to be, but with my mom it's a little different (I've still always pretended a lot for her, but not all the time). So, with my dad, I deal with my feelings by being EDNOS and by self-injuring, because messing-up means losing his love (and hurting myself sometimes feels like the only way to deal). Now, with my mom, I feel like I need to treat her the same way I do my daddy. The pressure is so great. I have panic attacks and go crazy over having to be so different for him (I can't explain it, but when it gets really bad, I hurt myself for a long time and then just walk barefoot on our back roads in the middle of the night, because rape and some of the animals outside scare me-- in my sick mind this makes sense (because it also relates to something from my past)). I'm not sure how to become this same person for my mom 24/7. I do it for her a lot, but she knows about my anxiety, and before we found out about her cancer, I used to talk to her about it at times. I just don't know who to be for her. She has cancer, so I can't tell her sad stuff, I can't talk too much about something happy, and I have to be super careful to not accidentally whine at her (she blames me for stuff a lot and will ask me to do the exact opposite of what my dad tells me to do (after she's just heard him tell me what he wants me to do), and a couple of times I've whined at her (I try to explain in a normal voice, but when she pushes, I sometimes forget; a half of a second later I feel horrible and apologize, but I've still done it).
Everyone says how perfect my relationship is with my mom and how good I am to her (she even lies to me and says I'm good to her), but I'm not a good daughter. I try to be, but I'm so exhausted trying to be perfect for my dad that my mom gets the side of me that is proof I'm without a doubt going to H*ell when I die (my friends and my mom joke about me having a guilt-complex, but my mom should know better than anyone why I'm guilty-- I've whined at my mother who has cancer, who does that?).
This post is horrible of me. I want to make this clear, I love my parents. I absolutely adore them. It's just that I've already written a ton, so all of the good feelings seem to have been left out.
Thank you very much. I truly appreciate your time.