Please help me, this is the eighth introduction for my book I have typed....

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Lauri

New member
...Please tell me if its good? Ok so I'm a freshman in high school and an aspiring writer. The books going to be called Receiving Magic. Its about a boy and a girl who are receivers; they are human but they can read auras and produce objects with their minds, they are also empaths, so they can sense peoples emotions. Ok here is the opening:
For most this particular November night was an average night. For Josh Alders, not so much, tonight was probably one of the most unlucky nights of his life. Josh had been staying in a warehouse for the past couple of weeks, he had gotten used to the cold dirty floors already but that didn’t make it comfortable, the squeaking mice didn’t exactly scream home.
“Shut up,” Josh glared at the walls that the rats lived behind “Just when I thought life couldn’t get worse the cops came after me, and I got stuck in this dumb warehouse with a bunch of rats” He complained.


“I never even did anything, shouldn’t it be legal to jail a person because they can do magic? It wasn’t my choice to be like this.” Right then Josh’s stomach grumbled, it had been non-stop since he came here. To afraid to go outside, Josh was left to the scraps he had brought to the warehouse. Life just pretty much sucked for Josh right now. Overall Josh looked as well as smelled like a homeless person.
 
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Spazmo17

New member
errr, it needs work, but it's okay. shy away from sentence starters, "Right then, Overall, etc. also, avoid things like sucked and pretty much. heighten your vocabulary, and if it doesn't come naturally, write a piece then go back and level up =D use a thesaurus if that helps. don't start off with a question, start off with a thought. instead of "I never even did anything, shouldn’t it be legal to jail a person because they can do magic? It wasn’t my choice to be like this.” maybe use a conscious, like your character having a conversation with himself in his head. try to use some dialect.
ex. "So pal, looks like we've got ourselves in quite the mess. Can't keep you're mischief to yourself can ya'? Oh and by the way, you might want to look for something to eat." At that, Josh was interrupted by the ruckus his stomach created. He jumped up and set off for something to satisfy his hunger.
 
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Katie

Active member
overall it is good but there are a few grammatical and spelling errors. Use more vocabulary, it makes you sound sophisticated...i can't wait to read it when it is complete!!!! :D

good Luck!!!!
 
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