LilaeBellacina
New member
It's a short excerpt of something I'm working on. It's a first draft (I just wrote it) and a bit sappy, but sincerely felt. Will you tell me what you think of it? I love brutal honesty. Thanks 
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I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like. How we would lay on the sofa in a living room with hardwood floors, wiggling around to stop elbows and knees from jabbing into each other. How we would lay there holding hands, fingers laced, and watch television. His toothpaste breath would blow strands of hair in my face but I wouldn’t care. My ear would be pressed against his chest so I could secretly listen to his heart beat and we would both pretend not to notice that I had breasts now because fathers and daughters don’t talk about that stuff. We would laugh at all the same parts, the same laugh, while time froze just for us.
I think it's choppy and an uncomfortable chunk of single-minded description, but workable. Any advice or tips are welcome.
.I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like. How we would lay on the sofa in a living room with hardwood floors, wiggling around to stop elbows and knees from jabbing into each other. How we would lay there holding hands, fingers laced, and watch television. His toothpaste breath would blow strands of hair in my face but I wouldn’t care. My ear would be pressed against his chest so I could secretly listen to his heart beat and we would both pretend not to notice that I had breasts now because fathers and daughters don’t talk about that stuff. We would laugh at all the same parts, the same laugh, while time froze just for us.
I think it's choppy and an uncomfortable chunk of single-minded description, but workable. Any advice or tips are welcome.