These are rough descriptions of my characters. Critique?

shaanibabem

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These are my characters for my book, of course this is rough and I need your critique, :)
(Like I said, this is a rough description and what they look like and all)

Name: Talise Nicole Marshall.
Age: 13.
Sex: Female.
Birth date: 13th of October.

Description:
Talise, the bubbly and kind natured girl is always alive and cheering people up, never a shy girl, always jumping in and introducing herself. She has auburn hair and big blue eyes, considered too innocent for her. Really, she is a devil in disguise, a trouble-maker that always wants to have fun and take risks. Only one's that include her winning of course, she is sometimes fair. But truthfully she is a sore loser.
She knows when tings get serious, and when that is happening. She turns into one of a control-freak, taking over the situation and settling everyone's temper.
Get on her nerves, don't co-operate and then she will snap, her temper is a bad one and she has a bad habit of getting in your face.
Never knew of her father, not knowing if the love she has been told of is even true. Abandoning her at age 3 she doesn't remember much. But the smile he always gave her, a loving smile she always believed.
But now.. Not so much.

Siblings: Only one, he is a younger brother. Name. Benjamin James Marshall, big brown eyes and dark raven hair. A mysterious boy as he is only 10, he can be very quiet. Stealthy.
He can sneak past you without a problem, something he has perfected since his younger years.
His father's disappearance being one to affect him badly, this comes in handy when running away for a while.


Name: Layla Marie Bishop.
Age: 13.
Sex: Female.
Birth date: 10th of April.

Description:
Layla, a gorgeous miserable girl. Her bright green eyes and blonde hair always being her focus of life. Nothing else but that and her best friend Talise mattered, her father abandoned her. Leaving her without a loving father and family she had always wanted, she is a girl who is good at solving problems, but sometimes it is with violence.
She had been holding in all her emotions, mostly anger and if you get on her nerves. She can hold it, ignore you until... She snaps, sometimes you don't want to be on the receiving end of that.
Her mother always hated her, of course she was rich and lovable. But always an act she had been forced to do, in front of her grandparents- everyone.
The only thing she has of her father is one photo, her mother and father, a different brightness about her mother's eyes.
Layla is a girl who need's help. The smile her father wore in this photo warms her, but now she is bitter. Someone you don't want to mess with, even if she is as shy as a butterfly.

Siblings: She has an elder sister, not affected by her fathers disappearance she is a smart, lovable 17 year old. Of course, her dark brown hair and wide doe eyes are an innocence she doesn't deserve.
Her name is Janelle Karla Bishop. A girl that is focused on her work and finishes it earlier than she is meant to.
A nerd if you say.
 
Um.. I agree, it's like a mixture of personalities.
But i wouldn't put it so harshly :S...
Of course, i can be nice sometimes and then get on my nerves and i snap because I'm easily irritated, so i know that part of where you're coming from.
It's weird though, make some edits. of course, making note you said it's a ROUGH draft.
It's certainly seems like a rough draft, but seriously the previous answer you should take note that this is a rough draft. She's obviously still editing them, can't give her full on harsh one's like that, she's probs only just starting this.

Goodluck :)

shaani
xxx
 
You need to think about how your character would behave in situations, instead of just sticking unrelated labels on them.

Look at your first one. She's kind-hearted, right? How do kind-hearted people react when they try to control someone who doesn't want to be controlled? No, they don't snap and lose their temper - and they probably wouldn't try to control them in the first place. How do kind-hearted people behave when they lose? No, they aren't sore losers. You're describing an unpleasant, spoiled little cow who makes people's lives miserable if she doesn't get her own way, not someone who is "kind natured and cheering people up".

The second one? People who are "shy as a butterfly" are rubbish at solving problems, not good at them, because they can't bring themselves to make even good suggestions.

What do your characters actually _do_? That's their character. Not all this waffle which has nothing to do with how they behave.
 
I wouldn't have both of their dad's leave them, maybe one of them died or something, or maybe their mum left?... It doesn't really matter though...
 
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