I know it needs some work, I be changing some things but I was wondering, does my draft sound good? What are some things that I could do to make it better?
Clutching my legs, chin resting on knees, I looked up at the darkened sky. Full of clouds, but a shade of blue taught to trick people covered above, it wanted me to believe that it was a cloudless night, but the lack of seeable stars had let me known that it was a hoax. The dewy grass pricked my bare feet, the harsh bladed tips only made it harder for me to change my position. Placing my hands on the cold bars before me, I felt afraid, frightened. My breath quickened in pace as I tried to pull the thick metal, but it didn’t budge.
A stranded tear ran down my cheek, stopping just shy of my upper lip so I wiped it away. I heard footsteps, the bright beam shined in my eyes as a recognizable man positioned his body on the other side of the bars. His lips curled up in a crooked smile, his rotting teeth almost so black that I had to squint to be able to define the rugged edges.
“Be a good girl,” he told me, reaching for my white-knuckled hand but I pulled away before he could touch me. Moving away from the bars, I had almost fallen over my friend. Gaping, she just lay there, limp and rigid as her mouth fell open, her eyes, once an autumn colour had turned into an icy shade of pale green. Her gaze was far away, as if non-existent and when I waved my hand in front of her eyes, she didn’t blink, didn’t even extract her eyes.
A hand grabbed my shoulder and I screamed as he pulled me into him, taking me away from my best friend.
Clutching my legs, chin resting on knees, I looked up at the darkened sky. Full of clouds, but a shade of blue taught to trick people covered above, it wanted me to believe that it was a cloudless night, but the lack of seeable stars had let me known that it was a hoax. The dewy grass pricked my bare feet, the harsh bladed tips only made it harder for me to change my position. Placing my hands on the cold bars before me, I felt afraid, frightened. My breath quickened in pace as I tried to pull the thick metal, but it didn’t budge.
A stranded tear ran down my cheek, stopping just shy of my upper lip so I wiped it away. I heard footsteps, the bright beam shined in my eyes as a recognizable man positioned his body on the other side of the bars. His lips curled up in a crooked smile, his rotting teeth almost so black that I had to squint to be able to define the rugged edges.
“Be a good girl,” he told me, reaching for my white-knuckled hand but I pulled away before he could touch me. Moving away from the bars, I had almost fallen over my friend. Gaping, she just lay there, limp and rigid as her mouth fell open, her eyes, once an autumn colour had turned into an icy shade of pale green. Her gaze was far away, as if non-existent and when I waved my hand in front of her eyes, she didn’t blink, didn’t even extract her eyes.
A hand grabbed my shoulder and I screamed as he pulled me into him, taking me away from my best friend.