Your Honest Critique Please? I Can Take Criticism?

Butcher

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Okay, I know that I've posted this chapter a couple of times. the reason that I keep doing that is because I have never gotten a real critique ( not "it's good" ) etc...so please let me know what you really think, even if it may hurt- I can take it. and let me know if I have made any grammatical mistake- if you can point them out, thanks

Here's the link : http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2824799/1/The_Dismissal_The_Completed_1st_Chapter
 
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