Another, more traditional, poem. 'The Bells Toll' Opinions.?

[karebear]

Okay, so I'm a total nerd and hats off to anyone who can guess what this is based on. It's embarrassing though. *fanfic alert* I'll grow out of it, I'm sure.

It's a more traditional style poem than what I'm used to, but I wrote it a year ago or so, and I hadn't found my 'flair', so to speak. It's not very good but feh...


The taste of his name still hovered above her lips,
twining with her flaming hair,
and misting in the winter air,
which carried on down through her hips.

It tolled,
and like the church's bells,
crashed with waves and rose in swells,
and left her heart to well unfold

as shots and fires lit the sky,
her eyes swept blank,
and hoping sank,
to weave a slowly kindled 'why?'.

Whilst knees lost strength,
the ground was hard,
and sobs with length,
left red hair, cold eyes, soft lips-

scarred.
Thanks. Yeah, my other poems are better but I was digging through my google docs history and I remember really liking this one when I wrote it.

You can go and check out some of the others that I have on y!a. I'm embarrassed to have someone only reading this one.

Cheers,
- Kare

 

[moonfreakm]

It's better than the average poem one would find around here. Your rhymes are pretty natural and it has a good flow between lines. I just don't understand what "it" is when you say "It tolled, / and like the church's bells." I'm assuming you mean "The taste of his name," but it's a little confusing.