DonBambiiGirl
New member
- Mar 17, 2011
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Hello!
Ok, so here's a scene in my story that I would LOVE some critique on. It's a fairly big scene but I'm scared it doesn't come across all that great. I haven't written in a while because I'd had other stuff to do so yeah.
Critique please?
Oh and Ryan IS A GIRL!
The heat from the blaze was scorching hot, heating up my skin and making sweat break out on my forehead. Thick, black smoke rose from the fire and clouded in the air, blocking out the sun and darkening the sky.
As wooden frames started to crackle and slowly burn to ash, the now crumbling roof was starting to drop quicker and quicker. The heavy thud of a support beam and everyone jumped. Screams and cries of terror echoed round in my head as the small crowd in front of me shuffled back, away from the chaos of the fire. People pushed against me and tried to take another step back, but I was pushing forward. I had to get to the front. I had to. Skimming over the heads of the people in front of me seemed pointless. There was too much confusion, too much panic. If I stayed here and counted heads, surely I’d double count or miss someone without knowing.
“He’s in there!” A lump of a woman screeched. Her clothes were slightly ripped and torn from when she ran from the door, catching on the splintered ends. She took a shaky step forward and tripped, grasping onto a man next to her. His head shot around and pushed the lady off of his arm. My stomach lurched at her words. Just the thought of someone being trapped in the burning house made me want to throw up.
“Where’s the fire brigade?” Another lady yelled. Her voice sounded rough and, like the rest of us, she started to cough. When something like a gunshot sounded more of the roof collapsed. The tiles crashed in, smashing and burning away as soon as the fire touched them. The crowd all but ran back and tried to drag me back with them. Shock pulsed through me and left me standing in a very dangerous spot. The fire was only ten or so metres away. A hand clamped down on my right shoulder and, with what must have been all their strength because I landed on my back, hauled me away. My shirt slid up and gravel grazed at my back. I didn’t feel the pain. All I felt was disbelief.
“What are you doing? Get back!” A thin, tall man bellowed at me and grabbed the collar of my shirt trying to pull me across the ground. The house crumbled at that instance and ash went floating up into the air. Louder cracking sounded and the crowd yelled out in surprise. When I took a deep breath and stood up, a horrible taste filled my airways and burnt my throat. The smoke got the better of me and I doubled over in a coughing fit. Horrible, thick phlegm found its way up into my mouth and then onto the dusty ground. The man let go of my collar and pulled his own shirt up over his mouth. Before anyone could stop him, he went running towards the broken, burnt door. It seemed strange that he had pulled me back just to risk his own life.
“Please! Please, let me go!” As if in a trance, I wasn’t aware I’d been trying to follow the man’s lead. Hands were holding onto my shirt, my wrists, my waist, even a chain I had dangling on the pocket of my pants. “You don’t understand!” My throat ached from the smoke and yelling didn’t seem to help. Anxiety was starting to take over my entire body and mind, drilling into me that people were trapped under the rubble of the house. My house. “He’s in there!”
“The firemen will be here soon,” Katie, a neighbour of mine, called out. “I called them just then. They’re on their way, Ryan!” I heard the sob in her voice. “Just stay out here, ok? My Dad will be here soon.” Of course, her Dad was a fireman. “There’s no point in-”
“Logan!” A cry of pure distress and fear ripped out of my mouth and sent me into a shaking fit. Shivers ran up my bleeding back but sweat poured from my face. I couldn’t lose him. Logan was the one person I’d opened up to since Mikey and, despite how hard I tried, I knew my feelings weren’t just that of friendship. I’d already lost his brother. I couldn’t lose him too.
Ok, quick summary
Mikey = Ryan's best friend. Deceased. He was gay. No romantic feelings between them.
Logan = Mikey's older brother. Ryan's love interest
Gotta love how Yahoo Answers has weirdo formatting.
When Ryan yells "He's in there!" there should be a break between when she talks and when Katie talks.
Ok, so here's a scene in my story that I would LOVE some critique on. It's a fairly big scene but I'm scared it doesn't come across all that great. I haven't written in a while because I'd had other stuff to do so yeah.
Critique please?
Oh and Ryan IS A GIRL!
The heat from the blaze was scorching hot, heating up my skin and making sweat break out on my forehead. Thick, black smoke rose from the fire and clouded in the air, blocking out the sun and darkening the sky.
As wooden frames started to crackle and slowly burn to ash, the now crumbling roof was starting to drop quicker and quicker. The heavy thud of a support beam and everyone jumped. Screams and cries of terror echoed round in my head as the small crowd in front of me shuffled back, away from the chaos of the fire. People pushed against me and tried to take another step back, but I was pushing forward. I had to get to the front. I had to. Skimming over the heads of the people in front of me seemed pointless. There was too much confusion, too much panic. If I stayed here and counted heads, surely I’d double count or miss someone without knowing.
“He’s in there!” A lump of a woman screeched. Her clothes were slightly ripped and torn from when she ran from the door, catching on the splintered ends. She took a shaky step forward and tripped, grasping onto a man next to her. His head shot around and pushed the lady off of his arm. My stomach lurched at her words. Just the thought of someone being trapped in the burning house made me want to throw up.
“Where’s the fire brigade?” Another lady yelled. Her voice sounded rough and, like the rest of us, she started to cough. When something like a gunshot sounded more of the roof collapsed. The tiles crashed in, smashing and burning away as soon as the fire touched them. The crowd all but ran back and tried to drag me back with them. Shock pulsed through me and left me standing in a very dangerous spot. The fire was only ten or so metres away. A hand clamped down on my right shoulder and, with what must have been all their strength because I landed on my back, hauled me away. My shirt slid up and gravel grazed at my back. I didn’t feel the pain. All I felt was disbelief.
“What are you doing? Get back!” A thin, tall man bellowed at me and grabbed the collar of my shirt trying to pull me across the ground. The house crumbled at that instance and ash went floating up into the air. Louder cracking sounded and the crowd yelled out in surprise. When I took a deep breath and stood up, a horrible taste filled my airways and burnt my throat. The smoke got the better of me and I doubled over in a coughing fit. Horrible, thick phlegm found its way up into my mouth and then onto the dusty ground. The man let go of my collar and pulled his own shirt up over his mouth. Before anyone could stop him, he went running towards the broken, burnt door. It seemed strange that he had pulled me back just to risk his own life.
“Please! Please, let me go!” As if in a trance, I wasn’t aware I’d been trying to follow the man’s lead. Hands were holding onto my shirt, my wrists, my waist, even a chain I had dangling on the pocket of my pants. “You don’t understand!” My throat ached from the smoke and yelling didn’t seem to help. Anxiety was starting to take over my entire body and mind, drilling into me that people were trapped under the rubble of the house. My house. “He’s in there!”
“The firemen will be here soon,” Katie, a neighbour of mine, called out. “I called them just then. They’re on their way, Ryan!” I heard the sob in her voice. “Just stay out here, ok? My Dad will be here soon.” Of course, her Dad was a fireman. “There’s no point in-”
“Logan!” A cry of pure distress and fear ripped out of my mouth and sent me into a shaking fit. Shivers ran up my bleeding back but sweat poured from my face. I couldn’t lose him. Logan was the one person I’d opened up to since Mikey and, despite how hard I tried, I knew my feelings weren’t just that of friendship. I’d already lost his brother. I couldn’t lose him too.
Ok, quick summary
Mikey = Ryan's best friend. Deceased. He was gay. No romantic feelings between them.
Logan = Mikey's older brother. Ryan's love interest
Gotta love how Yahoo Answers has weirdo formatting.
When Ryan yells "He's in there!" there should be a break between when she talks and when Katie talks.