This is an opening to a story I'm writing. I want opinions. Fair criticism. Thanks! ;D
(It's copyrighted with proof, so don't try and steal)
"It was nearing 10pm, and some people were asleep on the bench. One man, having lost the race for a seat, was leaning himself against one of the pillars holding up the underground station, with his briefcase on the floor beside him. His eyelids were drooping as well. Suddenly he jumped a little, as the pillar started to vibrate furiously. The people on the bench, now awake, started to mumble, as the whole concrete platform was now buzzing and creaking, and the shaking got faster and more intense. A rasping screech from the distance told them a particularly unkempt train was entering the station and, deciding this was not their train, they lost interest and fell silent, with some of them ignoring the noise and making attempts at resuming their sleep."
(It's copyrighted with proof, so don't try and steal)
"It was nearing 10pm, and some people were asleep on the bench. One man, having lost the race for a seat, was leaning himself against one of the pillars holding up the underground station, with his briefcase on the floor beside him. His eyelids were drooping as well. Suddenly he jumped a little, as the pillar started to vibrate furiously. The people on the bench, now awake, started to mumble, as the whole concrete platform was now buzzing and creaking, and the shaking got faster and more intense. A rasping screech from the distance told them a particularly unkempt train was entering the station and, deciding this was not their train, they lost interest and fell silent, with some of them ignoring the noise and making attempts at resuming their sleep."