Clever Riddles/Jokes?

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mPunKkKittenm

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Tell me some clever riddles and jokes you know, I could use a good laugh right about now. lol
 
I got a few.

Riddle:
A man takes the lift to the 24th floor, when it's full of people and when it rains. But one day he takes the lift all alone and presses the 12th floor and takes the stairs. Why?
What if the man is a midget. When it rains he uses the umbrella to press the 24th floor and when there is people he ask them for help.



Joke:
There was once a pregnant woman, who survive a fatal crash accident. The two child were both born successfully. The mother regained concious and ask the nurse about her child.
The nurse gave a reply and say that the babies are in safe hands and already named.
The mother ask the nurse who named them. The nurse replied that it was her younger brother.

The mother was in fear, because she knew her brother is a complete idiot. She reluctantly ask the nurse what is the daughters name. The nurse replied, "Denise". The mother thought the name is okay and ask the sons name, "Denephew".
 
k here's one...
a person can't have a heart attack because their heart is too scared to attack!!!
hahaha that's pretty funny...
 
A thief stole money from a store. This was his third time, and the king was pretty mad at the thief. The king decided to punish the thief, but didn't know how. So the king told the thief he could choose how he wanted to die.


The thief said.... I'll choose to die of old age !
 
Once upon a time, in a kingdon far, far-away...
There lived a beautiful princess. But she was cursed
with a dreadful enchantment. Whatever she held in
her hands would wither and melt.

Her father, the Sultan, grew worried with each passing
day. It was almost the princess' 18th birthday and he was
worried that nobody would be able to marry her.
So, a day before her birthday, the sultan invited all the
great princes of the neighboring countries to see who
could break the dreaded curse. Whoever could bring
ANYTHING that would not melt and wither under his
daughter's hands would become his son-in-law.

First came Prince Valiant, he brought a GIGANTIC diamond
to the princess. Fair Princess, said he. This is the hardest
stone in our kingdom! Please, take it! The princess took the
egg-sized gemstone...and suddenly, it melted like butter!!!
Valiant went away disappointed.

Next came Prince Arthur, who brought a necklace of solid platinum.
Fair Princess, said he. This is the hardest metal in our kingdom!
Please, take it! The princess took the shiny necklace...and suddenly,
it melted like hot wax!!
Needless to say, Arthur went away heartbroken.

Finally, Prince Amir stepped forward.
Fair Princess, he announced. My gift is inside my pocket.
Please, reach inside and be amazed!
The Princess slowly reached inside prince Amir's trouser pockets...
Felt around for a bit, then her eyes grew wide with wonder and
amazement! It didn't melt! She kissed Amir on the cheeks and declared
that it will be prince Amir who will be her husband.

What was inside Amir's pants?
Take a guess.
Come on...




Ok, I'll tell.
It was...




M&Ms. Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

Ok, so what were you REALLY thinking????
 
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