do you like my story i wrote.?

Z

ziam

New member
i have wrote ten stories about this man named coble and his life this is about he meets hannah montanah i'm just going to put hm for short enjoy.


Coble was walking and some black guy was running from the cops and out of his pockets fell a hm ticket.coble said who is hm then coble went on the computer typed in hm and said she is a siger.coble said i will watch tonight at six o clock coble said i think i know why that black guy was running from the cops he stole this ticket.so coble put on a black jacket and left he went in side it was full then up on the top saw hm she was 16 coble went crazy.he fell in love coble said let me get some popcorn he got some.some fat black lady saw a empty seat in the front so did coble they both ran so quick coble got there first.hm was singing coble liked her more and more coble wanted to get her to notice him so coble first screamed.she did not hear coble so coble was going mental he started throwing popcorn on hm she finally said what are you doing coble screamed i love you hm coble sneaks in the back.and he can see her he sees there is a mike in the back grabs it and starts singing.[no body's perfect i got to work it]hm said some people are perfect but not you hm calls 2 big black men and they are throwing coble out one of the black man said i know.him he stole my ticket they chase him out.

the end
 
A

AudreyGrace

New member
I'm sorry, but it isn't good. It can be, though, if you try.
You need better word choice. For example "Some black guy" "Some fat lady" "they both ran so quick". Instead, say "A large man with skin the color of cocoa" "a heavy-set woman, with stringy mouse-brown hair waddled past him and flopped into the seat." "they both sprinted".
Learn some puncuation. You have no periods, no quotations for when people are speaking, no capitalization. no commas. It is very hard to read.
The story line doesn't make sense at all. Why would a big black man steal a Hannah Montana ticket? And why would Coble (that name is really weird, by the way) through popcorn at her even though he likes her?
It sounds really racist. Not all black guys are criminals and not all fat people are rude.
It's boring. Coble did this then coble did that then this happened then coble said that then coble did that and blah blah blah. It doesn't flow well.
Stop saying Coble so much! Say he for once.

Long story short, it sticks. Maybe not what you want to hear but it's what you have to hear. Are you eight year old? Because that's what it sounds like.
 
S

Spencer

Member
Alright your still in the " I LOVE HANNAH MONTANNA AND JONAS BROS." phase. So I will be a bit more forgiving.

But yes this story is HIGHLY racist. Horrible gramma, no capitalization, terrible grammar, no symbolism (two big black guys? really??).

Not a story that would EVER get recognition. NEVER show this to anyone you are acquitances with. Their opinion of you will drop, dramitcally.
 
X

XxXxKittyxXxX

New member
Whoa! That's a little racist.
Now not all black people run from cops.
Most of the ones I know are extermly nice and are good two shoes.

Stop throwing skin tones around and look deeper.
Oh and your wording was very very poor.
 
Top