gardensallday
New member
- Jan 28, 2009
- 11
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I have bipolar disorder that is very severe, and I have been thru every med there is, plus even tried ECT (electroshock) last summer. Everything has been a dismal failure. I do what I should to feel better - eat a healthy diet, exercise, keep a regular schedule, get social support, tried Omega 3's, have a terrific home life, etc. etc. (don't give me suggestions what else to try, honestly, I have tried everything that is available to me that has any scientific evidence to support it). My psychiatrists have said thru the years that the reason the bipolar is so bad is from severe sexual abuse as a child, and it just runs in my family (most all of us have severe mental illness), and I am the unlucky rare person that the drugs don't help. There is nothing left to try - the ECT was the last resort. I have seen many psychiatrists and been in the hospital for this many times. I have suffered so much I have lost my faith in God.
So anyway, I am in severe, suicidal mixed moods about 60% of the time, the pain is excruciating, and I just can't stand it. I live on a disability benefit, which eats me up, and makes me ashamed of myself, even though I know I am doing the best I can. I have trouble keeping up with chores around the house. I used to be a geophysics PhD student working at NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab, and now I sit at home and am very dysfunctional, and I just can't get over my loss of my career. I have been too sick to have children, and now I'm 44, and am too old (still too unstable, anyhow). I've taken up oil painting, and it turns out I am as gifted at that as I was at mathematics, but I am too sick to paint more than a few hours a week. I am so sad there is just no joy in my heart, which I need at least a spark of that to paint. The only thing that makes my agony go away is to stay very busy and distracted with mentally all-consuming things, but I am too sick to do these activities a lot of the time.
A large part of my agony is just symptoms of the bipolar disorder, but another part is feeling terrible that I have all these ideas what to do, but I am too depressed (it's really mixed moods) to do much of it. I have an intense internal drive to work on things, and it is continually thwarted. I can't be the only person on the planet like this - there are professional athletes who lose their legs, artists who go blind, etc. How the hell do you cope with this loss? I can't even keep my home clean, a lot of the time. How do you cope with the shame of disability? I can't even talk to many people about it, because those who know about my bipolar disorder don't want to hear about it, and most people I don't tell, because of the stigma.
So anyway, I am in severe, suicidal mixed moods about 60% of the time, the pain is excruciating, and I just can't stand it. I live on a disability benefit, which eats me up, and makes me ashamed of myself, even though I know I am doing the best I can. I have trouble keeping up with chores around the house. I used to be a geophysics PhD student working at NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab, and now I sit at home and am very dysfunctional, and I just can't get over my loss of my career. I have been too sick to have children, and now I'm 44, and am too old (still too unstable, anyhow). I've taken up oil painting, and it turns out I am as gifted at that as I was at mathematics, but I am too sick to paint more than a few hours a week. I am so sad there is just no joy in my heart, which I need at least a spark of that to paint. The only thing that makes my agony go away is to stay very busy and distracted with mentally all-consuming things, but I am too sick to do these activities a lot of the time.
A large part of my agony is just symptoms of the bipolar disorder, but another part is feeling terrible that I have all these ideas what to do, but I am too depressed (it's really mixed moods) to do much of it. I have an intense internal drive to work on things, and it is continually thwarted. I can't be the only person on the planet like this - there are professional athletes who lose their legs, artists who go blind, etc. How the hell do you cope with this loss? I can't even keep my home clean, a lot of the time. How do you cope with the shame of disability? I can't even talk to many people about it, because those who know about my bipolar disorder don't want to hear about it, and most people I don't tell, because of the stigma.