How is this for my introduction paragraph to my 1984 essay?

[GoPhilliest]

here is my prompt: Rhetoric, words, and language have enormous power in the world in this novel. Big Brother understands this power, the state goes to incredible lengths to harness and influence language. Use specific examples from the novel to illustrate why Big Brother uses this. Then look at SPECIFIC ways that our own society/government have used or might use language to control and influence society. Draw a conclusion about the role and power of language.

What if I told you a government can control an entire population just by using rhetoric and language? Well that is exactly what happens in the novel 1984. This novel is about Oceania, a totalitarian society in which people are controlled in every possible way. The leader, Big Brother, uses rhetoric and language to maintain his power and keep the masses controlled. He does this in many ways including ne way he uses language for control is the concept of Newspeak, which uses meaningless words to keep the thought of rebellion and freedom out of peoples’ minds. Another way the Party uses rhetoric to keep power is the idea of doublethink. Doublethink is the concept of holding two contradictory ideas in your mind at one point and accepting them both as truth. The final way the government of 1984 controls the people is by altering the past. The changing of the past is done in the Ministry of Truth, where Winston, the main character, works. In the novel 1984, the Party uses different language and rhetoric to maintain power and keep the citizens controlled, which may also be used in society today by our government.

 

[Seth]

1)Your opening is too cute and cliche for a serious essay, and it's not even interesting.

2)For an introductory paragraph, you go into too much detail. Your intro should be presenting overall concepts, not presenting your main arguments. Cut out any mention of Newspeak, Doublethink, the Ministry of Truth, etc. Those are all individual points in your essay, and you're wasting them in your introduction.

3) Your thesis is way too simple. Obviously Big Brother uses language to influence people. That's actually in the prompt itself. Your thesis can't just restate the prompt, you have to find something interesting to talk about.

 

[marysemomma]

You can condense this introduction quite a bit, without sacrificing interest or readability:

Can a government control an entire population by using rhetoric and language? That is exactly what happens in George Orwell's novel "1984". In the totalitarian society of Oceania, people are controlled in every possible way. Rhetoric and language are constantly employed by Big Brother, the figurehead leader, to maintain power over the populace. Newspeak uses meaningless words to keep the thought of rebellion and freedom out of peoples’ minds. Doublethink encourages people to hold two contradictory ideas at once, accepting them both as truth. The Ministry of Truth is devoted to changing past history to conform with current government goals. The author leads us to recognize that all too often, instances of similar attempts at mind control by mass media occur in today's real world.

(As another poster suggested, you may want to leave out the references to Newspeak, Doublethink, and continuous revision of history in your introduction.)