I asked once before, more info this time. I am venting about bio family?

[PaxB]

I have 2 adopted children one almost 9 daughter and the other 7 son. Then do not know that I am doing this at all but about a year ago I started looking for there Bio family will the ones that are not in jail or on drugs. I found a few but mostly far off aunt, cousin stuff along those lines. I also found a 20 year old sister from there bio fathers side . She knew the children for about a year and a half before the children were removed because of serious abuse. I started sending some pictures of the children to the agency so I could slowly open the door that way my children can go throw it if and when they chose. (By the way the few time I have brought up there bio anything my daughter wants nothing to do with it. And my son does not seem to care they are ok with saying I am adopted but they will not go any deeper then that.) Any way I go a message on facebook, the sister had found me and told my she does not want any info from the agency and she would rather wait 10ish years to see them. What I do not understand is why would you want to go years with out knowing how they are doing. On top of that I know my daughter could change her mind but she really want nothing at all to do with anything from her past I will never push her but, with allllllll the horror stories I am told about who am I where is my bio family and so on I want to do whatever I can never to cause that to happen. But I want my children to be safe and not toooo confused. I want peoples points of view so I can make more sense of this.

 

[ValerieA]

I would leave well enough alone. Your children seem happy and well-adjusted, I (nor anyone else) can tell you what to do as we are not you. Only what I would do if it were me. Do some soul searching and search out whether this is more your issue than your childrens'.
Why do I say this??? Well, the sister has clearly stated that she is not very interested in pursuing information or contact. Obviously there are problems with several of the family members. Why search them out at this point in time??? My fear would more be, that where the kids seem ok with out any contact or more information, they will sense that this seems important to YOU and that they will start to think there is something wrong with THEM for not wanting to know more about the bio family members.
Every adopted child is different. The issues will be as individual as the child. Personally I would not look for trouble.
Dont listen to adoption horror stories. It is like, how come you never hear about the surgeries that went fine with full recovery, the woman who had a fast labor, and a healthy delivery with no problems, and the kids adopted who have adjusted well and are not obsessed with their birth families?? Because the world seems to dwell on negativity , tragedy and bad news. Just look what is on tv, not to mention the newspapers. Drama and more drama.
Rejoice, give thanks and be happy that the children are ok and happy being your kids.
And later, if issues arise, find a good ADOPTION issue counselor. Not every counselor is familiar with adoption issues. Ask if the need arises.
Some good questions: How many adopted people have you counseled?
What do you think some of the biggest issues are for adopted kids? I bet you could think of more on your own to see if you like the counselor and if you think your kids could relate to them. Remember, you are their parent., doesnt matter how you became that.. You still are and know these kids better than any one else does.
Also try to remember kids are kids. Adopted kids and birth kids alike, have kid issues. They will have temper tantrums, ,may struggle in school, may sass you, may swear, may hug you , may say They love you, in other words they are kids. Not everything that happens with them will be "because they are adopted".
And why waste time and emotion wondering and trying to understand why the bio family would go years with out wondering how they are doing??????? Whats the point of that??? Obviously these ppl had big problems and are not like you or I. We do tend to project our own feelings onto others. I am still surprised when ppl do something I would not. I should know by now. Not everyone thinks or is capable of, thinking like you do.
I would just take one day at a time, enjoy these children God has put into your care, be sensitive to if adoption issues arise , dont worry about it, just find that counselor if the need comes up. Knowing you have a plan may ease your mind. A good idea might be to look into if there are any groups of adoptive families around your area so the kids see there are many other adopted children out there. But that is up to you.
Good luck to you and may God bless you and your family. These children will grow up faster than you realize and then will need a Grandma and/or Grandpa for their own kids... they will know who was there for them and who cares....and loves.. and you know the answer to that. YOU and your ppl are their family now , so dont worry so much. Take care.