I told future mother-in-law I didn't want her helping me get ready on my wedding...

T

tates

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...day. Why is she so mad? FH and I went to a BBQ at FMIL and FFIL's for the 4th of July holiday. While we were there, FMIL pulled me aside and told me she wanted to be in the room with me the day of the wedding and help me get ready. I felt put on the spot, but I told her the truth-that getting ready was a special moment that I just wanted to share with the women closest to me-my mom, grandma and my bridesmaids-my sisters and my 2 cousins-that it was an intimate moment I would feel very uncomfortable sharing with her. Now she is upset, but I told the truth. I am not close to FMIL like that and that is not a moment I want to share with her. It is my wedding and I have the right to pick and choose who I want to join me in things and I don't want FMIL there. You don't always get what you want. Why can't she understand that?
 
Well for one, it's your time with preparing, not hers... but I think she wanted to be there to share that day with you, I'd be pretty hurt too if my son's fiance told me I couldn't be in the room with her. I'd probably be in tears. She's probably trying to get close to you with doing this.

I would maybe call her up and explain that it's not her personally... maybe the way you came off was pretty harsh...

It just doesn't make sense that you have alllll of those people in there, but not your own mother in law... I can understand that you'd say "I'd like to have some personal time with my family before hand but you're welcome to drop in and visit for a little bit..." as long as she got the hint to leave...

I'm not really sure what's appropriate... it's just important to acknowledge that you're marrying her son, and she wants to be part of the picture in YOUR life as well as her son's. You're lucky she's making an effort, there's a lot of people who wish they were closer to their mother in laws.
 
Hi Tate,
You told your future mom-n-law that you didn't want her in the room when you are getting ready for your wedding. I can understand why she feels the way she does. You say she is mad, but she is hurt because you have rejected her before you are in the family. You named a group of people that will be there with you while you are get dressed. These people you say you are close to, but you should be wanting to get close to her as well cause you're going to be related to her. Are you sure of how your husband to be feels about you being so truthful with his mom on how special this moment is to you that you don't want her to share in it with your mom and the others. This is not only a special day for your mom, but it is also special for his mom. I guess if she could be in the room while her son is dressing for this special occasion she would prefer to be with him. You have already begun to push his mom away. You have chosen to be in this lady's life because you intend to marry her son and my carry the same last name as she. It is your wedding and you can pick and chose anyone you want to be and do whatever you want them to do, but remember after the festivities are all over this woman is the only one that knows anything about the man you have married. When or if you have a baby will your parents be the only folk you chose to share in the coming of the new family member. You must not know how it feels to be rejected, but keep living you will. There is going to come a time when you will have to call on this mom-n-law for something. You think cause it's your wedding you get to make all the choices as to how things are to be done well think again you will not be standing at the alter alone. If you have done things to his mom that makes her feel sad or that you are pushing her to the side. Don't you start to have a fit cause he wants to show his mom that he loves her the same as you love your mom. She is as important to him as your mom is to you. Remember this what goes around comes around. Time passes so fast. If you have a son and he get married the way you decided to exclude your mom-n-law to be may happen to you. I believe she is only trying to show you some affection and being there to share in this special moment would have made this day more special for her. Congratulations on your coming wedding and I hope that you and his mom will be friends and that your husband will treat you with the utmost respect and love you til death do you part, but if not doesn't don't call his mom with your troubles. We don't always get what we want and we should be careful of what we ask for, but never hurt any ones feelings cause you think you are so special.
 
I don't think you're wrong exactly, because I know how special getting ready with your mom is. But I think you could have handled it better. Rather than essentially telling her she is not important to you at all, you might have remained a little more non-committal and told her that you'd let her know what the plan was when it gets closer (even though you know full well what the plan is). Diplomacy and the occasional white lie can go a long way to making your relationships with your in-laws easier for everyone involved.
 
Just because your FMIL does not have daughters does not mean you owe her this experience. If you don't want her there that is your right and she has no right to complain or feel hurt. It's called being a grown up. Deal with it. This is what happens when you don't have daughters. Oh well.
 
I can understand where you are coming from.

Those last moments before you get married and are getting ready have a lot of emotional significance for your and your mom and the females in your family--especially if you are all close. I find it a little bit presumptuous of her to be honest to insist that she be there because she doesn't seem to get what that moment is about. She is the mother of the groom and she should be spending those moments before hand with her son. It's not a matter of you having too many people already there--you chose to have those people there BECAUSE they are close to you and you have an emotional attachment with them and would like to share this special moment with them. Besides, like you've said--you are uncomfortable with the idea of her being there.

Maybe you came off a little bit too harsh when telling her no, so maybe you can just call her and tell her that you didn't mean to be hurtful but that you really just wanted it to be an intimate moment that you can share with these women.
 
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