Dark_Genomett
New member
- Feb 27, 2010
- 3
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I am looking to improve my writing. I believe I can write, but I can improve and I need to improve. My grammar is not the best and I need to work on it.
Anyone willing to help me? I wrote this little thing here and I need someone, or some people, to point out any flaws they see in it so I can improve on it.
...
My head would flood with these images, all of which seemed unnatural. Everyone was walking, without a sense of purpose; they walked as if they were puppets propelled into motion by unseen hands. The fibers that connected to two were has thin as the air they hid in. Then it would it all stop, as everyone hanged motionless above the cracked concrete. A bright, orange tinged sun gleamed over ahead casting no shadow, and I stood there right in the center. I gained nothing from this; yet, they still haunt me.
I remain animate throughout the day, unfazed neither by the images of the previous nor by the apprehensions of being consumed by them again the following nights. As I stood before the usual task of taking down the order, calculating the total amount, and handling the cash that was given to me and, if any, the change, and smiling that porcelain smile that seemed to be permanently sewn onto my face by this everyday torment.
When the day ended, I would head back to my flat on the corner of Winchell and Paul Avenue, and headed up the usual three flights of worn-down stairs; my hands felt against the faded, rust-coated, steel that ran along with it. I would fumble in the poorly lit hallways, with my hands shoved down in each pocket, cursing under my breath telling the nonexistent person next to me I swear I had my keys earlier. With some luck I managed pull out my keys and shoved the right one, a few wrong ones, into the keyhole and shove my way through
....
This may turn out to be the first piece of writing of mine I might end up finishing for once. I am hoping it will be.
Anyone willing to help me? I wrote this little thing here and I need someone, or some people, to point out any flaws they see in it so I can improve on it.
...
My head would flood with these images, all of which seemed unnatural. Everyone was walking, without a sense of purpose; they walked as if they were puppets propelled into motion by unseen hands. The fibers that connected to two were has thin as the air they hid in. Then it would it all stop, as everyone hanged motionless above the cracked concrete. A bright, orange tinged sun gleamed over ahead casting no shadow, and I stood there right in the center. I gained nothing from this; yet, they still haunt me.
I remain animate throughout the day, unfazed neither by the images of the previous nor by the apprehensions of being consumed by them again the following nights. As I stood before the usual task of taking down the order, calculating the total amount, and handling the cash that was given to me and, if any, the change, and smiling that porcelain smile that seemed to be permanently sewn onto my face by this everyday torment.
When the day ended, I would head back to my flat on the corner of Winchell and Paul Avenue, and headed up the usual three flights of worn-down stairs; my hands felt against the faded, rust-coated, steel that ran along with it. I would fumble in the poorly lit hallways, with my hands shoved down in each pocket, cursing under my breath telling the nonexistent person next to me I swear I had my keys earlier. With some luck I managed pull out my keys and shoved the right one, a few wrong ones, into the keyhole and shove my way through
....
This may turn out to be the first piece of writing of mine I might end up finishing for once. I am hoping it will be.