is it good writing for a first timer ??

S

shayan

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As he walked into the bar , he stuck another marlboro in his mouth and lit it with a match . by his clothes you could tell that he was old fashioned and not easily scared because that place wasnt for everyone .either you belonged there or you didnt and those who didnt couldnt find the place in a million years . didnt even have a name , all it said was bar in small letters . this was the place where you could find anything you needed . Guns , ammo , information , crooks , dealers and high rolling gamblers . but of course this place was not for any dick and harry .those who would often visit would most likely be called criminals but they made more money in a week than most working class people made in a year . after introducing himself as smith , even though he knew it was an ironic name he still used it often not because he couldnt come up with anything better but because most people stopped using smith as a false name . hes real name was brandon , even though the name didnt suit him and he knew it . he was about about 27 years old , wearing members only leather jacket and black jeans . you saw him you knew he wasnt someone you want to mess with . not his clothes , many posers wear the same clothes that he does but theres a vibe that just makes you want to stay away . all brandon had to do was whisper a few words in the bartenders ear and follow him and soon enough there he was in a room full of guns of all kind . he went through another door and sat down next to a bald guy in his 40s , people called him shark , because he looked like one and always had a drink in his hand . all brandon had to do was sit and suddenly shark whispered " manilo , the way you like it " . brandon suddenly stood up grabbed a kimber with silencer attached on it , stuck it in his waist and concealed it with his t shirt . he knew what to do and how to do it . fast , clean and unmistakable for anything but murder
i learned english about 2 years ago so im sorry if there are any mistakes
 
For a first timer - if this is meant to be used as the beginning paragraph
then i applaud you. It is the type of thing that unfortunately many people
don't get to read. It grass the reader by the throat and pulls them into the book.
I want to read more! Keep writing!
 
it's ok. just be conscious about your punctation mark and use of capital letters and such. good luck!
 
EDIT: the person ahead of me, go jump in front of a train. You didn't even read the paragraph, it was bad.. real bad, and you tell him its good? Please go do your "WOOT 2 POINTS LOL" somewhere else.


To be blunt, no one cares if it is your first time writing. Either something is good, or not. That said Lets take a look at that brick of text..

First thing i noticed "As he walked into the bar , he stuck another marlboro in his mouth and lit it with a match"
You don't define who 'he' is, it could be anyone.. You need to define it, something like (as terrible of a starting this is) "Jake walked into the bar; he stuck another marlboro..."

Now we have jake, and can see clearly who 'he' is, its jake.

Reading on I notice everything is very vague, unneeded-ly vague.


Grammar is terrible.

Now we finally have "smith" And for some overly long and un-ironic reason, its ironic (it isn't)

"His name was brandon.. and it didn't suit him"

Why not? This makes no sense.

About him whispering in the bartenders ear (hypothetically in the story) its in a bad spot...
Next we suddenly have a guy named shark that brendan is hypothetically talking too, but then he is really talking too! (weird huh?)

Uhh... I would recommend to you go and write something else, and learn about grammar and its importance to the English language.


.5 (1/2)/5 stars
 
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