is my boyfriend gay and in denial?

S

SarahJ

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I have been with him for 8 years and the last year or so, he started hanging out with gay people and being very secretive about who his friends are. He goes out without me all the time and gets really drunk. He once mentioned that he questioned his sexuality and then brushed it off. He has a lot of internal homophobia due to the way he was raised and i think he is struggling with this issue and doesnt want to accept its a possibility. I think something happened one night cos he vowed never to go to a gay club again - since then he has withdrawn completely and is angry all the time. He seems miserable and so am i. it would hurt me if he was gay but i would rather know the truth and let him be happy. I confronted him and he got so angry that he went AWOL for two days. I am worried that he is struggling with huge confusion and tremendous fear of criticism and rejection. What do I do? I can't leave him because I'm suspicios, but how do I encourage him to deal with his feelings?
 
Don't confront him - support him. Show him your love and that you're open to talking.

And I know (blatantly sexist comment alert) this is difficult for women, but keep your mouth shut. Let him talk. Or, let him sit there and say nothing. Don't feel like you have to fill the silence. Say you'd like to talk about what he said and then sit there and wait for him to talk. Remember: say nothing. Keep schtumm. Let him talk. You might sit there for ten minutes or ten hours waiting, but wait. Make him a cup of tea. Hold his hand. Wait it out.

Or, ignore it and let him choose the time and place that he wants to talk about it.
 
Firstly I just want say how well you are dealing with this situation, well done, i take my hat off to you.
The fact that he questioned his sexuality sounds like he may be curious but he is just too afraid to admit it. Another reason that makes me say this is the fact that he is going to gay bars and hanging around with gay people.
This doesnt stop him from being in a relationship with you, he probably actually, genuinely wants to be with you.
Make sure he knows you will always be there for him no matter what happens. keep cool, dont make him feel uncomfortable.
 
He'll need to consult his thought with someone he can trust and who is open minded, or he could find a online forum somewhere and do the anonymous thing. I'm always an open ear and have been a moderator for gay and bisexual forums.
 
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