I'm 16 and writing a story. I don't want to give too much away...so even though you wont know whats happening. I just want to have a second opinion on this extract from the story.
(Please note this is not the beginning nor the ending...and excuse any minor grammatical mistakes, I just want to know whether the extract is gripping for a Young Adult book. This will give me an indication on the overall stylistic direction I'm trying to move in)
Thank you.
"
It would be a lie, if I said that I slept comfortably that night. As one can imagine, the deteriorating moulded walls, despite my constant tossing and turning, posed as an disturbing eyesore. Losing faith in being able to bring myself to a state of sleep, I resorted in trying to phone Tanya again.
One bar left…
Desperately, I waited for the calling tone. It went through! Within three seconds, she picked it up.
“Hello, who is this?” her voice mumbled.
“Hello…Its me! Anna, Anna, Anna!” I exclaimed in desperation.
There was a brief pause. For a moment, I thought she had hung up on me but, maybe it was just the reception. I heard the sound of one single exasperated sigh before what I had feared for so long happened.
The line went dead.
I looked at my phone again. The battery was still on, which meant she must have cut the line.
*************
I sniffled momentarily as I banged my fists in frustration against the dirty ground. Within one night, the coldness had entered my body, and I was steadily feeling ill. Needless to say, this was the last of my worries. Freedom was imperative. Survival was necessary. My stomach began to growl again, and even though this was only the third night, I was beginning to lose track of time. The day passed sluggishly, and since I was down to my last bar of battery, I couldn’t entertain myself with it. I had to save it for later…. Forgetting all laws of preservation and rationing, I scoffed the remaining packet of snacks in my bag. Instantly I could feel my energy being revived
(Please note this is not the beginning nor the ending...and excuse any minor grammatical mistakes, I just want to know whether the extract is gripping for a Young Adult book. This will give me an indication on the overall stylistic direction I'm trying to move in)
Thank you.
"
It would be a lie, if I said that I slept comfortably that night. As one can imagine, the deteriorating moulded walls, despite my constant tossing and turning, posed as an disturbing eyesore. Losing faith in being able to bring myself to a state of sleep, I resorted in trying to phone Tanya again.
One bar left…
Desperately, I waited for the calling tone. It went through! Within three seconds, she picked it up.
“Hello, who is this?” her voice mumbled.
“Hello…Its me! Anna, Anna, Anna!” I exclaimed in desperation.
There was a brief pause. For a moment, I thought she had hung up on me but, maybe it was just the reception. I heard the sound of one single exasperated sigh before what I had feared for so long happened.
The line went dead.
I looked at my phone again. The battery was still on, which meant she must have cut the line.
*************
I sniffled momentarily as I banged my fists in frustration against the dirty ground. Within one night, the coldness had entered my body, and I was steadily feeling ill. Needless to say, this was the last of my worries. Freedom was imperative. Survival was necessary. My stomach began to growl again, and even though this was only the third night, I was beginning to lose track of time. The day passed sluggishly, and since I was down to my last bar of battery, I couldn’t entertain myself with it. I had to save it for later…. Forgetting all laws of preservation and rationing, I scoffed the remaining packet of snacks in my bag. Instantly I could feel my energy being revived