"We've been running for hours. Can we please stop and rest for a while?" Chloe's breath came in short shallow gasps. I had completely forgotten her weak human body couldn't compete with my genetically altered one. I slowed to a jog, " If we stop now the trackers will catch up to us for sure." Chloe knew this was true, but if she kept running at this pace she would be no help to me at all. "Please Sara. My body can't keep up with yours, your body has ten times the muscle mine does." Chloe was falling behind fast. I stopped completely," Okay, we can slow down but if we stop completely, I'll be taken back to the holding facility, and you'll be executed for helping me escape." Chloe's breath had returned, "Can I ask why you signed up for this in the first place? I mean why let them test these drugs on you?" I remembered the day I signed up. A man had come to my house and asked my father for permission to take his oldest child, lucky me. The man had told my father I would be the next hero of America. Unfortunatly he lied, and I've spent the last twelve years in labs being stuck with needles and having various chemicals pumped into my blood. I was only ten when the first experiment was put into play. The lab technicians tethered me to a lab table, I struggled kicking and screaming. The doctor was inexperienced and it took him over ten times just to put a simple Iv in my arm. They pumped my veins full of sedatives. I was out in less than a minute.
Wow, this is really good. There is, however, room for improvement. For instance, I think you should be a little more cryptic. You need to have the suspense factor. You're giving way too much information. You have to build the reader's interest, not overwhelm him. Don't dump all the facts at once.
Also, this is a first person account. So, I think there should be a little more feelings, and a little less facts. If you're being chased, pressed for time, all your thoughts are going to be focused on escaping, not reminiscing about your past.
Otherwise, its all good. Your story has great potential.
Also, this is a first person account. So, I think there should be a little more feelings, and a little less facts. If you're being chased, pressed for time, all your thoughts are going to be focused on escaping, not reminiscing about your past.
Otherwise, its all good. Your story has great potential.