Is this introduction to my thesis paper better than the last?

[Caitlin]

Multiple states in the U.S have decriminalized personal and medicinal uses of marijuana. If this substance was legalized it would be beneficial to the American government in multiple ways. The government would be able to use the money gained in revenue to, help fund schools, the military and multiple other things. They would also be saving money in jails due to the fact that less criminals would be there for any crime involving the illegal substance.

 

[RachelPerry]

I don't know what your last one was, but this is okay. It's lacking some style, though, and I think since it's such a controversial topic you could make it sound a lot more interesting. As an introduction, it doesn't grab my attention immediately, as it is kind of dry and factual. Try spicing up your intro sentence to "hook" your audience and since it is an argumentative paper, don't be afraid to be bold!