yp_plum_new_york
New member
- Dec 14, 2009
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I am about to turn 33 and I believe I have a perfectly valid reason for depression, so I am not looking to be talked out of it. First, the good stuff: I am finishing a PhD; have a very good, secure job in my dream field; have a beautiful apartment; and am reasonably attractive (people keep asking me if I am a model, but I think it is because I look interesting rather than because I am gorgeous and that's fine). Now the bad stuff: my kidneys failed when I was 25 because I have lupus so I started dialysis for 5 years while I worked and began my PhD program. I had very little help; I basically did these years alone. I got a transplant when I was 30 and 8 months after the transplant, I was diagnosed with lymphoma because of the immuno-suppressant drugs I was taking for the transplant. I did chemo for 6 rounds, then while recovering I found this new job in another city. I wanted to be away from all the sickness in the old city, so I moved. It has been good but stressful. A lot of long hours and travel. I found out a few months ago that my transplant is not doing great so I signed up for a transplant list again. After doing all the tests, my oncologist says that I would have to wait 3 years before I can get a new kidney...so my name will stay on the list, but I can't get an offer until 2011. I haven't dating anyone since I was 29 and am starting t feel very self-conscious around my friends and family with their husbands and children. Because of the chemo, I can't have kids (I don't even have my period anymore, so I feel less feminine). I am starting to have a hard time hanging out with these couples with their kids because I feel worse after a day with them than I do just sitting in the house alone. I have gone back and forth with wanting to kill myself, but in the end it is pretty lame though I don't rule it out. My stomach has been bothering me again lately and if it is cancer, I have decided not to treat it. I am going to check if refusal to treat counts as suicide. I want my mom to get my insurance and pension and 401k. If it doesn't, then I will take the minimum treatment. That's it. After a long weekend on the couch; I didn't want to bother any friends because they have their families to take care of. And I don't want to stress my mother out. Thanks for "listening."