Hey all, I know that this is probably a question that constantly pops up, but I really felt the need for some catharsis. So, here's the deal. I'm 28 and due to some unavoidable circumstances, my mother and I have been living together for the past 10 years. My father passed away when I was in high school so it has just been my mother and me for the longest time. Well, here is the situation now. About three years ago, I met a woman whom I love very much. We met in college and have been together ever since. I love her and she loves me, but there is a small issue that is starting to weigh upon me...my mother.
Now, I love my mother very much. I do and I am thankful for everything that she has done for me, but lately things have started to get unbearable. My fiance, who also lives with a family member of her own in a small house, also due to unforeseen circumstances, comes over to sleep at my house whenever she has the chance. I love having her at my house, but sadly this is starting to fray on the relationship between me and my mother.
I know the whole problem began three years ago, after my Fiance and I first got together, I told my mother that my then girlfriend and I kissed and she shouted, "but you said you we're just friends!" No, "that's great", or "congratulations", or even a "that's nice, I'm happy for you." Instead she accused me. And from then, things only got worse.
Some examples: whenever I'm alone, my mother makes snide remarks about how I love my fiance more than her, she "jokingly" accuses me of not loving her any more, she throws tantrums in which she shuts down and refuses to talk to me if my fiance or I do the slightest thing she does not agree with, she gets angry if I want to going out driving with my fiance and not her, she gets even more pissed off if I want to spend the weekend away with my future wife (even though, in the past three years, we've only gone away together 7 times), and there are even times when my fiance gives me gifts that she gets jealous or upset because of it. Latest incident happened this Thanksgiving when my mother made a new recipe for stuffing. Inside there were chopped innards from the bird, and my fiance wouldn't eat it. She did take a small bite, but she wouldn't eat more because she simply does not eat the innards of the turkey. My mother knew this, she found this out last year and still she got angry when my fiance wouldn't eat it.
Now, on the other side of the story, my fiance has been very sweet. She is a lovely woman who does speak her mind when she gets angry, and she too has noticed some of this behavior, but I refuse to tell her the things that happen when she is not there. Moreover, I really don't understand what my mother has against my fiance. I know she a new woman in the family, but still, she has done so much, not only for me, but for her as well. She has helped pay bills, bought groceries when we're in a bind, gives us both a ride if were desperate and even takes time to cook us both dinner on occasion. And so far she hasn't angrily snapped at my mother out of respect for my wishes, but I know the situation is wearing on her too. She is really a saint to put up with so much, and I thank her everyday for it. I don't want more bad blood to too occur, but because of me keeping all this in, I myself have grown very tired, a sufferer of chronic headaches, and loathing the idea of the weekends when both my mother and my fiance will be present.
I know I mean a lot to my mother, but I'm 28 and I need to have my own life from hers. Since I was a child, all I did was cater to her and try to make her proud and though she loved me unconditionally, this whole situation is just exhausting. I'm not going to leave my fiance just because it makes my mother upset to have her around, and I try over and over again to get her to talk about it, but either she doesn't want to or gets angry with me for bringing it up. And, I'm sorry, but I really believe that three years is more than enough to at least start to get used to my fiance being around.
Honestly, I'm not hoping for any answers here, I just needed to vent some problems I couldn't keep within me any longer. Thanks for listening.
Now, I love my mother very much. I do and I am thankful for everything that she has done for me, but lately things have started to get unbearable. My fiance, who also lives with a family member of her own in a small house, also due to unforeseen circumstances, comes over to sleep at my house whenever she has the chance. I love having her at my house, but sadly this is starting to fray on the relationship between me and my mother.
I know the whole problem began three years ago, after my Fiance and I first got together, I told my mother that my then girlfriend and I kissed and she shouted, "but you said you we're just friends!" No, "that's great", or "congratulations", or even a "that's nice, I'm happy for you." Instead she accused me. And from then, things only got worse.
Some examples: whenever I'm alone, my mother makes snide remarks about how I love my fiance more than her, she "jokingly" accuses me of not loving her any more, she throws tantrums in which she shuts down and refuses to talk to me if my fiance or I do the slightest thing she does not agree with, she gets angry if I want to going out driving with my fiance and not her, she gets even more pissed off if I want to spend the weekend away with my future wife (even though, in the past three years, we've only gone away together 7 times), and there are even times when my fiance gives me gifts that she gets jealous or upset because of it. Latest incident happened this Thanksgiving when my mother made a new recipe for stuffing. Inside there were chopped innards from the bird, and my fiance wouldn't eat it. She did take a small bite, but she wouldn't eat more because she simply does not eat the innards of the turkey. My mother knew this, she found this out last year and still she got angry when my fiance wouldn't eat it.
Now, on the other side of the story, my fiance has been very sweet. She is a lovely woman who does speak her mind when she gets angry, and she too has noticed some of this behavior, but I refuse to tell her the things that happen when she is not there. Moreover, I really don't understand what my mother has against my fiance. I know she a new woman in the family, but still, she has done so much, not only for me, but for her as well. She has helped pay bills, bought groceries when we're in a bind, gives us both a ride if were desperate and even takes time to cook us both dinner on occasion. And so far she hasn't angrily snapped at my mother out of respect for my wishes, but I know the situation is wearing on her too. She is really a saint to put up with so much, and I thank her everyday for it. I don't want more bad blood to too occur, but because of me keeping all this in, I myself have grown very tired, a sufferer of chronic headaches, and loathing the idea of the weekends when both my mother and my fiance will be present.
I know I mean a lot to my mother, but I'm 28 and I need to have my own life from hers. Since I was a child, all I did was cater to her and try to make her proud and though she loved me unconditionally, this whole situation is just exhausting. I'm not going to leave my fiance just because it makes my mother upset to have her around, and I try over and over again to get her to talk about it, but either she doesn't want to or gets angry with me for bringing it up. And, I'm sorry, but I really believe that three years is more than enough to at least start to get used to my fiance being around.
Honestly, I'm not hoping for any answers here, I just needed to vent some problems I couldn't keep within me any longer. Thanks for listening.