Why I hate Twilight:
- I do not want repeated descriptions of Edward's perfect face, his perfect luminescent diamond sparkling skin, or his My Little Pony perfect emo hair.
- He's repeatedly referred to as "cold" and hard like a "stone" or "marble" (when she's feeling particularly adventurous with her adjectives). That sounds unattractive to me, really...and I highly doubt one could have sex with a vampire, they are, after all, lacking in blood flow, am I right?
- Edward is a clinical example of a controlling, potential abuser. I hardly think it advisable (or a good sign) that young (and older) girls find his behavior desirable (a lover should worship you, not attempt to control every aspect or your life. That bodes ill for your future together).
- Bella was whiny, flat, shallow, and cruel (the entire thing with "Oh I love Jacob" and then "No Edward. No Jacob. No Edward. No Jacob. NO BOTH!!!! OMG I NEED THEM BOOOOTH!!!!" was classic "attention whore" syndrome. Clearly, she loved neither of them, and was only concerned with maintaining their attention.
- If I hear one more vampire described as anything other than "frightening" I'm going to have a fit. Books will be thrown, then burned (I recommend detoxing with Bram Stoker's Dracula or Paul Feval's Vampire City).
- I have a low pain threshold (no fangs or marble bodies please)
- I do not like the idea of having my meals served warm, metallic, and slurpy for the rest of my life (really, that's about as romantic as being told you'll have to rip out fish guts Gollum style).
- The sex in the book sounded grotesque (seriously, he ripped the bed apart?...okaaaaay...I'm...suddenly very, very turned off).
- The "romance" in the book didn't exist. Really, it was tweenage obsession. You could read an Old Skool romance novel from the 1970s and you'd find more realistic and instructive portrayals of sexual and gender politics.
- The constant references to Wuthering Heights: it sucked, okay? the prose might have been admirable, but I've always felt the Brontes were overrated. They're little more than the Gothic precursors to your grandmother's "stories" or daytime soap operas.
- Bella needs to shut-up about the Romeo & Juliet thing: Stephanie...you really didn't have a good Shakespeare professor, did you? R & J is not supposed to be upheld as good, Shakespeare was, instead, pointing out the consequences of feuding, child disobedience, and obsessive "foolish" love.
- Bella is decidedly an unreliable narrator: I'm plain, I'm clumsy, I have nothing to offer...oh wow, all the guys love me (either she has enormous bazooms or she's been lying about the plain/lame/clutz thing). Either way, MARY SUE ALERT.
- She spends at least 85% of these books making enchiladas, attempting suicide (it was to make Edward APPEAR!!!! I'm NOT SUICIDAL!!!) and taking a shower.
- The parents are about as dumb as a few rocks. Seriously.
- Bella's obsession seems to become a desire for eternal youth, leading us to wonder, "is it love? or immortality that she wants?".
- This same obsession colors the rest of the textual implications, creating the potential for tween girls to become obsessed with age (really, Bella wants to be like, 18 forever? REALLY???). Not to mention, the implication that making life altering decisions as a teen is, in any way, advisable.
- You can so totally find love in high school...not. (the odds are against you, you're not you yet in high school. You're a pale imitation of the person you'll be in a 5-10 years, so if Bella's all about Edward at 18, who's to say she doesn't lose her taste for vamps at 25 and realize she really wished she married like, Jack Sparrow or something more solar powered?).
- That guy who's giving you creepy looks and the brush off and then more creepy looks is not a weird schkeevy stalker. He's a vampire and your true love. No need to get a restraining order or like, tell your parents.
- A guy watches you while you sleep? That's not at all psycho/stalker/rapist of him! Tis true love! Let us kiss under a woodland bower!
- If a teenager is going to read about sex, give them a book with GOOD sex please, otherwise they'll just be like "say whuuuuut???" Seriously, I was like turning that book this way and that in a truly Gaston manner trying to figure out wtf she was implying (really, Bella is all bruised and the dude like ate a pillow and she wants...more?...okaaaaaaay).
- The guy's a 100 something year old virgin...nuff said.
Happy ending...~cough cough~ shitty.