Not much of an edit, but which version do you like better?
I've posted a first draft up here before:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110124182110AA7Zjcs
The first hour of the train ride was uneventful, then he walked by and sat opposite of her. Clothing wet with swamp water, his body was caked in dirt, mud, and clay.
She didn't know whether or not she ought to show she was impressed.
"I thought you was dead," she said.
He let out a a coughing fit instead of a chuckle. "It takes more than that to kill me."
"I would never try to kill you," she said as nonchalantly as possible.
Teeth clenched. "Yet you threw it in late."
She just shrugged. She somehow made that seem elegant, and he wondered if she ever experienced a hardship in her life. Judging by her manicured nails and the showy dyed dress, probably not.
"Just wanted to see how smart you are." It would do her no good to tell him that she couldn't find the original sacrifice.
"I'm assuming you know my name. What's yours?"
Taken aback by the subject change but he hoped it wouldn't show on his face. It didn't matter, Vera didn't ever need to look at his face. Or anybody else's for that matter.
"Thought you would've already known."
"Well?" Her eyeglasses didn't hide the challenge in her voice.
Chin up as if he was going to lie about his name, and he looked her straight in the eye. Last second and he hesitated.
"Teigue."
She smiled. To outsiders it might've looked affectionate.
"Now, about my pay..."
"Oh yes, can't forget that."
Teigue tried to smile. Really, he did. But he was getting irritated and the seat was damp and the stuff on his skin was hardening and flaking. Goosebumps ran along his forearms where the sleeves of his shirt stopped.
She handed him a note. "Here, it's the first half."
He opened it for a glimpse.
"Holy Mary, Mother of God."
Teigue might as well have fainted.
"And the other half of the pay?"
She pushed her eyeglasses up, but didn't spare him a glance. "You'll get your golems back during the job. It's the only reason you bothered so much, wasn't it?"
"How long do you think til we find them?"
She looked at the clock. "How about we discuss those details over lunch," she looked him up and down, "preferably after you go jump someone..."
"Pardon?"
"Your current apparel is absolutely disgusting. You need a change as soon as possible."
"Are- are you suggesting that I go and rob someone? On a train nonetheless?" he said incredulously.
"Well I'm not going to buy you anything but food tonight. Why not?"
"We're on a train. Someone will catch me. A-and," he frowned, "I don't rob people."
"You obviously have no problem with it. Otherwise you would've mentioned that first."
Dumbstruck, he tried to say something but couldn't think of any words. Vera decided that he was a tad too shocked at the accusation.
"I was joking," she lied.
He didn't quite believe her. "Of course."
I would love tips on how to improve!
I've posted a first draft up here before:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110124182110AA7Zjcs
The first hour of the train ride was uneventful, then he walked by and sat opposite of her. Clothing wet with swamp water, his body was caked in dirt, mud, and clay.
She didn't know whether or not she ought to show she was impressed.
"I thought you was dead," she said.
He let out a a coughing fit instead of a chuckle. "It takes more than that to kill me."
"I would never try to kill you," she said as nonchalantly as possible.
Teeth clenched. "Yet you threw it in late."
She just shrugged. She somehow made that seem elegant, and he wondered if she ever experienced a hardship in her life. Judging by her manicured nails and the showy dyed dress, probably not.
"Just wanted to see how smart you are." It would do her no good to tell him that she couldn't find the original sacrifice.
"I'm assuming you know my name. What's yours?"
Taken aback by the subject change but he hoped it wouldn't show on his face. It didn't matter, Vera didn't ever need to look at his face. Or anybody else's for that matter.
"Thought you would've already known."
"Well?" Her eyeglasses didn't hide the challenge in her voice.
Chin up as if he was going to lie about his name, and he looked her straight in the eye. Last second and he hesitated.
"Teigue."
She smiled. To outsiders it might've looked affectionate.
"Now, about my pay..."
"Oh yes, can't forget that."
Teigue tried to smile. Really, he did. But he was getting irritated and the seat was damp and the stuff on his skin was hardening and flaking. Goosebumps ran along his forearms where the sleeves of his shirt stopped.
She handed him a note. "Here, it's the first half."
He opened it for a glimpse.
"Holy Mary, Mother of God."
Teigue might as well have fainted.
"And the other half of the pay?"
She pushed her eyeglasses up, but didn't spare him a glance. "You'll get your golems back during the job. It's the only reason you bothered so much, wasn't it?"
"How long do you think til we find them?"
She looked at the clock. "How about we discuss those details over lunch," she looked him up and down, "preferably after you go jump someone..."
"Pardon?"
"Your current apparel is absolutely disgusting. You need a change as soon as possible."
"Are- are you suggesting that I go and rob someone? On a train nonetheless?" he said incredulously.
"Well I'm not going to buy you anything but food tonight. Why not?"
"We're on a train. Someone will catch me. A-and," he frowned, "I don't rob people."
"You obviously have no problem with it. Otherwise you would've mentioned that first."
Dumbstruck, he tried to say something but couldn't think of any words. Vera decided that he was a tad too shocked at the accusation.
"I was joking," she lied.
He didn't quite believe her. "Of course."
I would love tips on how to improve!