Ilikeyourbearde
New member
- Jul 5, 2010
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I just began writing this as I want to write a gothic themed novel 
Yeah, it has Vampires in it, but they aren't the sparkly kind who don't drink blood.
They're evil.
Please can you tell me if you like it or not and how I can improve? Of course, if I have any punctuation mistakes or grammar ones, don't fail to notify me!
Does it pull you in? Would you read more?
Thanks!
:
Chapter 1
18th June
1835
The terrifying view of huge flames striding towards her was all she could see.
Chants of wanting death echoed throughout her head and she ran anywhere to get away from the beings. Her kind weren't supposed to run away; they were supposed to head at things head on, but any creature from any world, would most likely run.
"Over here! I see one!" A middle-aged man shouted, pointing a dainty finger in her direction.
She leaped slowly through the forest, weak from lack of food. She could hear the shouts coming behind her, and she knew she would be taken. Burned at the stake, in front of the earth which so bitterly rejected her. Her limbs ached in protest, but she ran further, but the beings behind her gaining faster and faster until she could clearly hear their speeding breaths.
"Throw it at her Charlie! Go on! What are you waiting for?" The main screamed again.
The girl was frantic; pleading under the voices for them not to take her, that she would do anything but die. The humans were cold hearted, beings who actually wanted to be good were murdered in cold blood.
She heard the quiet swoosh of a long, sharp object flying towards her, and which she reacted by jumping hastily to the right, but she was too slow, just a fraction of a step away from living.
The stake pierced through her ice pale skin, cutting through her heart as easy as biting through butter. She immediately collapsed to the damp, mud covered floor as pain scorched throughout her body.
Her head tilted up to be faced with a person so familiar, Charlie, her one and only lover, holding a burning torch in his hand.
"C-C-Charlie?" She whispered, beyond belief that he would do something as moronic and horrible as that.
"Hello, honey." He said, a victorious smile spreading across his face as three other strange men surrounded her as the rest of the murderers went marching away in the hunt of more creatures.
"Why?" She asked quietly, still denying the fact that Charlie was one of the killers.
"I never loved you. To think I could love something as disgusting as you! I plotted against you, and now you shall die in my name. You foul creature!" He yelled, as the men crowding round him laughed at the non humerous joke.
"Charlie, wherever I am or whatever I am, I will find you, and I shall kill you. Revenge will come!" She cried, her whole body shaking as she broke into a tearless sob.
"If you shall, my dear. But again, I will murder you." He leaned forwards, whispering the harsh words in her ear.
Grey crooked lines began to work its way towards her head, buried under her skin, it covered her whole face and she choked out the words of her creatures words of revenge.
"Morte a venire, si deve temere, ti aspettiamo a chiamare, e la vendetta soddisfa!"
Her eyelids shut with one swift movement, and her body lay lifeless on the ground.
The men quickly held her empty shell in their cold blooded hands and carried her away; ready to make her once living nightmares come true.
Yeah, it has Vampires in it, but they aren't the sparkly kind who don't drink blood.
They're evil.
Please can you tell me if you like it or not and how I can improve? Of course, if I have any punctuation mistakes or grammar ones, don't fail to notify me!
Does it pull you in? Would you read more?
Thanks!
:
Chapter 1
18th June
1835
The terrifying view of huge flames striding towards her was all she could see.
Chants of wanting death echoed throughout her head and she ran anywhere to get away from the beings. Her kind weren't supposed to run away; they were supposed to head at things head on, but any creature from any world, would most likely run.
"Over here! I see one!" A middle-aged man shouted, pointing a dainty finger in her direction.
She leaped slowly through the forest, weak from lack of food. She could hear the shouts coming behind her, and she knew she would be taken. Burned at the stake, in front of the earth which so bitterly rejected her. Her limbs ached in protest, but she ran further, but the beings behind her gaining faster and faster until she could clearly hear their speeding breaths.
"Throw it at her Charlie! Go on! What are you waiting for?" The main screamed again.
The girl was frantic; pleading under the voices for them not to take her, that she would do anything but die. The humans were cold hearted, beings who actually wanted to be good were murdered in cold blood.
She heard the quiet swoosh of a long, sharp object flying towards her, and which she reacted by jumping hastily to the right, but she was too slow, just a fraction of a step away from living.
The stake pierced through her ice pale skin, cutting through her heart as easy as biting through butter. She immediately collapsed to the damp, mud covered floor as pain scorched throughout her body.
Her head tilted up to be faced with a person so familiar, Charlie, her one and only lover, holding a burning torch in his hand.
"C-C-Charlie?" She whispered, beyond belief that he would do something as moronic and horrible as that.
"Hello, honey." He said, a victorious smile spreading across his face as three other strange men surrounded her as the rest of the murderers went marching away in the hunt of more creatures.
"Why?" She asked quietly, still denying the fact that Charlie was one of the killers.
"I never loved you. To think I could love something as disgusting as you! I plotted against you, and now you shall die in my name. You foul creature!" He yelled, as the men crowding round him laughed at the non humerous joke.
"Charlie, wherever I am or whatever I am, I will find you, and I shall kill you. Revenge will come!" She cried, her whole body shaking as she broke into a tearless sob.
"If you shall, my dear. But again, I will murder you." He leaned forwards, whispering the harsh words in her ear.
Grey crooked lines began to work its way towards her head, buried under her skin, it covered her whole face and she choked out the words of her creatures words of revenge.
"Morte a venire, si deve temere, ti aspettiamo a chiamare, e la vendetta soddisfa!"
Her eyelids shut with one swift movement, and her body lay lifeless on the ground.
The men quickly held her empty shell in their cold blooded hands and carried her away; ready to make her once living nightmares come true.