bluetigerpaw4
New member
So by tonight, I need to present the beginning of my story and at least 5 outside opinions and 2 critical commentary. So what I'm asking you is to say if you do/don't like my beginning. That's all - just say "I like it" or "I don't like it" with a short explanation on why you did/didn't like it, and you'll be giving me 5 points on my assignment right there. And also, if you have time, I would really appreciate if you could give me at least 1 suggestion on how to improve this excerpt. Thank you so much!!
It was exhilarating, jumping off the Edge.
Jumping a thousand times over but never falling. Killing yourself a million times without ever dying. It left me giddy with the thrill of it all, breathless with its glory.
To me, it was like a drug. I was always wanting more, needing the brilliant feeling of that sudden bliss. I was well aware of the illegality of it, how it violated all rules of the Highest, and that if caught I would no doubt face death.
Now, as I’m trying to explain it, I’m realizing how nearly impossible this task is to complete. You’ve asked me to explain something I don’t understand
But I couldn’t stop. Even that one horrid night, with every corner of Ayar crowded with hundreds of Patrols, I found myself surrounded by those ebony trees I knew so well as I made my way to the Forbidden.
Maggie's voice was shaky and hesitant when she spoke from behind. “Can we stop for a sec’?”
The night air felt cool on my sweaty skin. I breathed it in, trying to absorb its tranquility. “Not enough time. Have to keep moving if –”
“Just for a minute,” she said. The weak tone in her voice was enough to make me stop, but I couldn’t quite make myself turn around. My gaze lingered on the horizon in deep longing. I sighed, reminding myself that it can wait, and turned around to face my sister.
It was exhilarating, jumping off the Edge.
Jumping a thousand times over but never falling. Killing yourself a million times without ever dying. It left me giddy with the thrill of it all, breathless with its glory.
To me, it was like a drug. I was always wanting more, needing the brilliant feeling of that sudden bliss. I was well aware of the illegality of it, how it violated all rules of the Highest, and that if caught I would no doubt face death.
Now, as I’m trying to explain it, I’m realizing how nearly impossible this task is to complete. You’ve asked me to explain something I don’t understand
But I couldn’t stop. Even that one horrid night, with every corner of Ayar crowded with hundreds of Patrols, I found myself surrounded by those ebony trees I knew so well as I made my way to the Forbidden.
Maggie's voice was shaky and hesitant when she spoke from behind. “Can we stop for a sec’?”
The night air felt cool on my sweaty skin. I breathed it in, trying to absorb its tranquility. “Not enough time. Have to keep moving if –”
“Just for a minute,” she said. The weak tone in her voice was enough to make me stop, but I couldn’t quite make myself turn around. My gaze lingered on the horizon in deep longing. I sighed, reminding myself that it can wait, and turned around to face my sister.