</p> Sami Khedira
Ohhhhh, I'm bleeding. ... I'm bleeding from the head. ... Why did Pepe do this to me? ... Mourinho said I might take some friendly fire, but I didn't think I'd be bleeding from the head. ... Starting to lose consciousness. ... And he's still touching me. .... He's still touching me and this is making me uncomfortable. ... I would probably hyperventilate if I wasn't losing so much blood. ... I think he's trying to crush my ribcage with his fingers. ... That's it -- I need a policeman! I need a policeman! I need...
Borja Valero
(Single tear)
Sir Alex Ferguson
I hate you all. ... I hate you all so much. ... I hate you all so much that my forehead might literally explode. That's what those white spots mean. ... If I could put every member of the press in a giant bag and smack that bag with a stick made of tasers and scorpions, I would do it until my arms fall off. ... If I could put every employee of the BBC on a boat and then fill that boat with acid and head lice that are immune to acid, I would do it every day until they rename it the Ferguson Rules Broadcasting Company. ... WHOA! Holy crud, I just remembered Dimitar Berbatov exists. ... Weird...
Didier Drogba
Time for the disgraces. ... First, Fernando Torres scored more goals in one half than I have all season. That's an amazing f***ing disgrace. I'm actually not even angry about that one. Just, like, shocked. ... Then, Kalou said he would only sign a new contract with Chelsea if he was guaranteed more playing time and if I signed a paper that says his cat, Katou, is better than my cat, Kitier Katba. Then Sturridge said his new kitten, Daniel Purridge is better than both of them. All of that was one massive f***ing feline disgrace. ... Then, I had a list of several other disgraces, but I left it in my jeans and then washed them, thus ruining the list. That's a f***ing disgrace that happens all the time. ... Then, there were those times those referees who probably play FIFA 12 on the amateur difficulty setting just so they can brag about winning every match 15-0 cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...
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