Thinking of buying an SUV, but not sure if I qualify?

Beery

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Lately, I've been thinking of buying an SUV. I'm a keen cyclist, but I've been thinking that maybe I'd like a bit more comfort on my commute. I would miss the fresh air and the exercise, but judging by the inarticulate screams and angry honking that I often hear from SUV drivers, it seems like an SUV really makes their owners feel like they're entitled to be the king of the road. It might be nice to feel some of that entitlement

The problem is, all the folks I know who drive SUVs are between 50lbs and 200lbs overweight. Is there a minimum weight limit for the driver, or can anyone drive one? I guess if I really worked at it, I could pig out on pizza, pork rinds and ice cream for a few months, avoid exercise and really just let myself go. I don't think my wife would be too upset, and I'm not too worried about the insults that might come my way - I imagine the feeling of power you get from driving 2 tons of steel and taking up two compact car spaces in parking lots must make up for all the giggles and 'lard-ass' and 'wobble-bottom' comments - otherwise I imagine these folks would manage to squeeze themselves through the door of a gym, or buy themselves a strong touring bicycle that could handle their weight, so that they could drop a few pounds.

Also, most of the folks I know who drive SUVs have confided in me that they're not all they should be in the sack. Is erectile dysfunction a prerequisite for SUV ownership? My wife wouldn't mind if I put on a few pounds, but I don't think she'd be too happy if I was forced to get a circumcision to make myself sexually dysfunctional, just so I could own an SUV.
 
Maybe get an electric moped? Much cheaper than an SUV, and the experience will be closer to the bike-riding you're already accustomed to.

Also, as you won't need to pedal, you may start gaining weight. That way, when you do feel ready, you'll already be half-way there, weight-gain-wise.
 
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