Thoughts on a Love poem?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Musikal Sole
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Musikal Sole

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Any thoughts or suggestions???

I LET MY GUARD DOWN
I let my guard down
for the very
first time.
I'll let you see the real me
through these lines
I write.

So many times
the deceit
has caused me
to retreat
back behind
this concrete
wall
that protects my heart but
it’s time I let go
and watch this wall
fall

Constantly,
the annihilation of me,
my feelings,
violation of what we
vowed in the beginning
has overcome me...

I built this armor,
but I can live this way no longer.
I trace the teardrop stains
lain on my pillow
hoping maybe one day
they will realize how they hurt me...

But I am letting go of those past memories
and turning over a new leaf.
fear is near
doubt is about
but I’m going to trust again
in hopes it works out...

Here I am unshielded,
my feelings yielded…to you…

Baby…I let my guard down for us two.
© January 2007

Thanks for reading!
 
I don't like the deceit retreat line, it's a little cheesy, and I mean this by ways of constructive criticism, and to help you improve, not to knock what you have, it's good!
And also your line about tracing the teardrops... you say your hoping that your tears will realize they hurt you... maybe you should rephrase that because it doesn't make much sense.
 
can u plz help me out!!??
answer my question:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080424194936AAu8tUE&pa=FYd1D2bwHTHzJLNmHes8Rmwem2U0bxZnCCLQ.ee871uIeQ--&paid=asked&msgr_status=
 
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