wat do yall think about the beginning of my book?

RachelS

Member
Joined
May 15, 2008
Messages
109
Reaction score
0
Points
16
Ok, so keep in mind that this is my first real attempt at writing and that i am only 17.

Jason knew beond the shadow of a doubt that he was going to find the answers that he had desperately been searching for. The answers that would tell him who he was, where he had come from, and why no one seemed to be searching for him. Well he was right about finding answers but he was wrong in thinking that no one was searching for him, there were more people looking for him than he could ever imagine. He also knew that in order to find these answers he would have to leave Behr Falls, named for it's founders and it's many water sources.
"It has been 5 years and the only thing that I've remembered is my name. It's time to move on." said Jason.
"But where would you go? What would you do to make a living?" said Selene.
"I don't know. But I do know that I can't stay here. I need to see what's out there in the world."
Jason met Selene when he had wondered to her brothers house on the edge of town only half alive. As a matter of fact she was his first memory. When he tried to remember anything from that night all he could see was a beautiful girl looking down at him with worry on her face. She had light brown hair and eyes that were so green they seemed to glow in the dim light of the fire.
Selene vividly remembered this night as well. But she remembered it quite differently. When she closed her eyes she would see a young man stagaring towards her clothes soaked in blood. She was horrified, as she droped the keys to her car she yelled for her brother to come outside. Selene hadn't noticed Jason's jet black hair or pearcing blue eyes that night all she noticed was the amount of blood that he had lost and how pale he was. She could only think about making him as comfortable as possible while Ash cleaned and dressed his wounds as he drifted in and out of consiousness. She remembered thinking at one point that it was as if this boy had been attacked by a wild animal of some sort and left alone to die.
Luckaly for Jason, Ash was a doctor who ran his practice out of his own home he was able to give Jason the drugs he needed to sleep. But when Jason woke 4 days later he was confused and scared. He didn't know where he was, how he had ended up in the tiny house, and most of all he didn't know who he was. The confusion made him panic when he heard voices down the hall he couldn't decifer what they were saying. He listened for a few minutes then tried to stand but as he stood dizzyness over took him, he knocked over a lamp that landed with a loud bang. The voices down the hall stoped and he heard footsteps coming closer. He didn't know what to do he was just so confused. He had to get out of the house, he had to get away from who ever was coming.
Soon he found himself in the woods that were behind the little house. It was a very cold day and he hadn't stoped to find a shirt, he didn't think he could have put it on any way because he couldn't lift his right arm. As the sun went down and he began to grow tired and even more cold than he already was he wished he would have grabed a blanket at least. Then he heard the sound of running water and realized how thirsty he was. He tried running again but stoped immediatly when he saw that his wounds were beginning to re-open. He walked as fast as his body would let him towards the sound and as he grew near, the rush of the water grew to a loud roar. All of the sudden he saw the beam of a flash light and ducked down behind a bush hoping that who ever it was hadn't seen him. But as the flash light fixed on him, he knew that he had been spotted.
All Selene could think about was the boy that had been unconsious for days on her brothers couch. She knew that he would probably be very thirsty and that he would probably try to find water. But she was growing more and more worried as it got darker. The nights were geting colder as winter approached and he was undoubtably geting weak. Then as she pointed the flash light towards the edge of the water fall she saw something move. Selene quickined her pace.
Jason was possitive he had been spotted now as the foot steps got closer and closer. His head was throbing and he felt as if he might pass out at any second. He had to act quick, he had to do something before who ever was on the other end of that flash light caught up to him. With out a moments hesitation he jumped over the edge of the water fall into the raging waters.
 
Wow! That's Really Good! It Really Grabs You In And Makes You Want To Read More. Good Luck
 
Well, there are quite a few spelling errors, but I won't dwell on that.

Anyway, you have a few run-on sentences and awkwardly-worded sentences, so I would suggest you look over it again or get someone to proofread it for you.

The start of your story didn't really get me interested in reading the rest, as a good story should. Think of a start that will grip the readers. The story jumped around a bit, because you went from the present to a flashback without changing your tense. Since for the present, you write in past tense, when you flashback to earlier events, you should use "has or had". So "Jason met Selene when he had wondered to her brothers house on the edge of town only half alive" becomes "Jason had met Selene when he had wandered to her brothers' house on the edge of town, half-alive."
 
Back
Top