What do you think of this part of my book?(short)?

skylowman1248

New member
The Echo Troopers



It seemed to be a normal morning for Gary, who had just been woken up at 6:45 by his alarm clock. The house was quiet, as it was every weekday, as his parents both left for work at 5:00 a.m., and Gary was an only child. He got up, brushed his teeth, washed his face, and combed his hair. Naturally, like most boys his age, he didn’t care what he wore, no matter how wrinkled it was. Gary ate a quick breakfast, grabbed his book bag, and headed off for school. His house was only two blocks away from the school, so he walked everyday. To Gary, everything still looked normal, but he had a chilling, uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, as if something just wasn’t right. Then suddenly, a bird that was flying gracefully, stopped-as if frozen- in midair. All around him, things had stopped: the cars had stopped in the streets, animals all around him looked as if they were statues. Then, as if Gary wasn’t already scared enough, a man walked out from behind a tree.
“Gary.”
Gary started. How did this unknown man know his name?
“ Whh-who a-are you…?’ Gary stammered.
“ I am Gilligan, an Echo Trooper. We need your help.” the man named Gilligan answered.


This is all I've gotten so far. The idea just kinda hit me, and i felt i needed to write it down. What are your thoughts?
 

KatrinaVogt

New member
I like the concept and the name. Its sounds like something I would read. I only have one thing,-maybe its just me- if I were you I would be a little more descriptive. I really love your concept though!!!
 

Nova

Member
I like it, but I think you have a few too many commas. I do the same thing, try to put a bunch of different ides into one sentence, sort of like this, you know? But other than that it's pretty good, I'd read it. :)

(Except for the fact that I knew a Gary and I hated him, buttttttttt....yeah.)
 

Tyler

Active member
that would be soo cool to read and im one of those people who are picky about what they read. good job hope to hear more!!
 
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