When is the right time to have kids?

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AlexisInfectious®

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I'm flying back to the UK this weekend to attend the christening of my best friend's first son. Like my wife and I, he and his missus are in their mid to late twenties and it seems most people I know or meet around the same age are pregnant with their first child (in some cases, second or third). My wife and I are both extremely career driven and have put the thought of having children out of our minds for at least another ten years. Problem for us is that practically everyone is giving us a hard time for our decision, whereas our gut reaction is to ask them "Why so early?" I dunno, I kinda see kids as being an emotional and financial burden, like an anchor that ties you down.

My question to you (if you have kids) is: When did you know you were "ready"? And what is the cultural norm where you live for childbearing age?
 
Just have grandchildren.

In answer to your question, one of you will start desperately wanting them, or it'll just happen by accident. Go with the flow for now.
 
My wife and I waited until we were in our early (wife) and mid (me) thirties.
We wanted some degree of financial backing, some degree of home stability but mostly it was just basically that if we didn't do it now it would start to be "too late".
Considering some people can take 2-3 years to get pregnant it's not just a case of deciding one day and then having a baby 9 months later.
We'd like two so starting any later than that would be pushing baby 2 into the late 30's which is a bit late IMHO.



Then you plainly aren't ready my friend.
I thought that for years. My wife really had to convince me that having kids was a good idea.
And do you know what...it really is. I'm crazy about my daughter. She's like a little ray of sunshine in my life. It makes you see the world with new eyes.
They are an emotional burden in some ways. But I liken it to a widening of emotional experience rather than a burden.
You become able to experience a "happier" happy.
But the flip side is you become able to experience much deeper sadness and worry too.
But I figure that's what being human is all about. Experiencing that full emotional spectrum. It's not easy but it is very deeply rewarding in a way I cannot fully explain.

Just two days ago my 2 year old daughter went into hospital for grommets.
The UTTER wrench as they aneasthatised her in my arms, I laid her on the operating table, kissed her forehead and had to leave her with the doctors. Never experienced anything like it....ahem...there appears to be something in my eye...ahem.
It's primeaval. Cut's right to your core. Very profound.
Then a LONG 20 minutes.
And then an hour later she was sat on the hospital bed saying "Yeshh pleash" to any food offered and stuffing her face.

So...my advice...wait. No one has the right to pressure you into it. You're still young enough to live your pre-kids life some more and still have kids at the right time.
However...don't wait until you feel ready because I don't think you truly ever do.
 
I think if you hold off too long (mid 30s and after) you are in for some real issues. When people have kids younger (before early 30s) it seems they are able to better go with the flow in many cases. Seems to me they accept things as the way they are and aren't set enough in their ways to be brittle about things and inflexible.

It's always interesting when out and about with a girlfriend how old her mom is and she looks at me and say... 'ha... she's younger than you'....
 
no reason to not have kids whenever you want. i had my first kid when i was 38, second (1 month ago) after i turned 40. my wife is 5 years younger so ostensibly a bit easier on her.

don't worry about your biological clock or anything like that. have kids when you're ready. don't worry about how old you are. you're only as old as you feel anyway. haven't you heard....40's the new 30.

interestingly.....there's not many 40 year olds starting brazilian jiu jitsu either. i was sad to see the ibjjf chicago tournament not have a white-belt division for my age. lol.
 
Your wife may have to though sadly. The incidents of down syndrome and other conditions rises alarmingly the later a woman becomes pregnant.
There'll be stats somewhere but sadly the late 30's in not the best time biologically for a woman to have a baby.
 
there are higher statistics for risk, you're right. but there's no reason that two people cannot manage those risks with their doctor. we took soft and hard genetic testing the whole way in both pregnancies. i think it's about 1-100 if the mother is 40 for having a downs baby. something like that...
 
Approximately 9 months after the stoopidest thing you'll ever do.
 
Lol.

But seriously, parents always tell me that their kids are the best thing in their lives, but they constantly seem miserable. I spend enough time on public transport during the school rush to know that children + public environment = unhappy parents.

If you like kids so much, become a teacher. At least that way you get paid and only have to deal with them during the day.
 
PASmith has already put it brilliantly.

I had my first kid (a daughter) when I was in my mid 30s. My second when I was, I suppose, in my late 30s (37). Everything that you're concerned about (and I was terrified about) is true. They're a huge drain on your time, energy, finances, and emotions.

But they're so much more than that. And it's really tough to convince anyone of that. It took me meeting my daughter for the first time. And it took about a second after that to do a complete 180. Before she arrived, all I could think about was those things. No more spending money willy nilly, staying up to all hours with friends, etc.

But she was just an idea then. The moment I met the real person, none of that crap mattered anymore. All that matters is this person. It's scary. I always say that it's like walking around with your heart on the wrong side of your rib cage. But like PASmith said, for me, it was like feeling, hearing, and seeing things clearly for the first time. Your perspective is changed completely.

I'm not sure you're ever specifically ready. You're probably just willing to figure it out.


Stuart
 
Oh no...I hate kids. Other people's kids. Can't stand 'em.
It's my own kid I like. And even she can be a little git sometimes.
But as I said...it's not constant happiness...nor constant unhappiness. It's not constant ANYTHING. That's the point.
It's a great big mishmash of conflicting emotions, frustrations, elation and the kitchen sink.
For me anyway.
 
This quote from Christopher Hitchen's sums it up well.

"To be the father of growing daughters is to understand something of what Yeats evokes with his imperishable phrase 'terrible beauty.' Nothing can make one so happily exhilarated or so frightened: it's a solid lesson in the limitations of self to realize that your heart is running around inside someone else's body. It also makes me quite astonishingly calm at the thought of death: I know whom I would die to protect and I also understand that nobody but a lugubrious serf can possibly wish for a father who never goes away."
 
Oh yeah...there is that constant. You learn to live with it.
I'm sure it only knocks 5-6 years off your overall life expectancy. Nothing major.
 
For every negative with children there are 100 positives. Seeing them grow up can be a little traumatic at times but they provide so much pride & happiness throughout that time that it's well worth any percieved expenditure and worry that you have now.
 
Great when they're all grown up too and you're out of it. University is a wonderful place
 
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