MyFadedDreams
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- Jan 28, 2011
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I posted this a couple days ago but I'm reposting (sorry) because I want some different oppinions and especially some constructive criticism. The main character, Zira, has just woken up from a severe head injury and a gunshot wound to the leg. She doesn't remember anything and has no idea where she is or why. And she's about to make a horrible discovery...
It was then that she noticed the sharp pain in her right leg that started just below the knee and was strongest in her calf muscle. She lifted the blankets to see what was wrong.
At first, she couldn't even accept what she was seeing. This had to be a trick of her mind. A nauseating lump formed in her throat and fiery tears burned her eyes. She stared in horror at the place where her right leg should have been. Instead she saw a bandaged stump below her knee, resting lifeless on a pillow.
She couldn't hold back the scream anymore. It burst loud and distraught from her chest. The door opposite the window flew open. She instinctively vaulted out of bed to face her captor. For a moment, she balanced precariously on her remaining leg, then went crashing to the floor. The old woman who had come through the door hurried to help her.
"Get away from me!" she shouted, attempting to stand on her own.
The woman took a step back and spoke soothingly. "It's okay, Zira. I'm here to help."
(i)Zira.(i) It was strikingly familiar. (i)My name is Zira.(i)
"You need to lay down," the woman said. "You're in a very delicate condition."
"What happened to my leg?" Zira hissed.
"You were nearly dead when we found you. You've been in and out of consciousness for the last week. I told you I would try to save your leg, but it was so damaged and infected there was nothing I could do. You gave me permission to amputate it three days ago. Do you remember?"
Zira slumped back against the wall and sobbed. She couldn't remember anything. Why would she ever agree to losing her leg? She let the tears fall shamelessly as the old woman put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You'll be alright," she said. "Lay back down and get some rest. You don't need all of this stress right now."
Zira let the woman help her off the floor and back into the bed. She made sure Zira was comfortable, closed the blinds, and left. Zira felt completely drained, but all she could think about was her missing leg and her missing memories. Eventually, she cried herself out of this waking nightmare, back to a welcome world of sleep where there were no unanswered questions.
*******************
So, what do you think? I was almost crying when I wrote this. Zira is a really strong girl and it takes quite a lot to break her down like this. Do you think there's enough emotion here? And how's the writing in general?
It was then that she noticed the sharp pain in her right leg that started just below the knee and was strongest in her calf muscle. She lifted the blankets to see what was wrong.
At first, she couldn't even accept what she was seeing. This had to be a trick of her mind. A nauseating lump formed in her throat and fiery tears burned her eyes. She stared in horror at the place where her right leg should have been. Instead she saw a bandaged stump below her knee, resting lifeless on a pillow.
She couldn't hold back the scream anymore. It burst loud and distraught from her chest. The door opposite the window flew open. She instinctively vaulted out of bed to face her captor. For a moment, she balanced precariously on her remaining leg, then went crashing to the floor. The old woman who had come through the door hurried to help her.
"Get away from me!" she shouted, attempting to stand on her own.
The woman took a step back and spoke soothingly. "It's okay, Zira. I'm here to help."
(i)Zira.(i) It was strikingly familiar. (i)My name is Zira.(i)
"You need to lay down," the woman said. "You're in a very delicate condition."
"What happened to my leg?" Zira hissed.
"You were nearly dead when we found you. You've been in and out of consciousness for the last week. I told you I would try to save your leg, but it was so damaged and infected there was nothing I could do. You gave me permission to amputate it three days ago. Do you remember?"
Zira slumped back against the wall and sobbed. She couldn't remember anything. Why would she ever agree to losing her leg? She let the tears fall shamelessly as the old woman put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You'll be alright," she said. "Lay back down and get some rest. You don't need all of this stress right now."
Zira let the woman help her off the floor and back into the bed. She made sure Zira was comfortable, closed the blinds, and left. Zira felt completely drained, but all she could think about was her missing leg and her missing memories. Eventually, she cried herself out of this waking nightmare, back to a welcome world of sleep where there were no unanswered questions.
*******************
So, what do you think? I was almost crying when I wrote this. Zira is a really strong girl and it takes quite a lot to break her down like this. Do you think there's enough emotion here? And how's the writing in general?