can i have your opinion on this poem i wrote?

M

meganm

Member
It is pretty good. I thought the idea/ what it was based on was really good. It was pretty descriptive also. I could feel the emotion. in it. But there is no punctuation...
 
T

tracey_marie333

New member
I like it a lot. I know you did the "I can't sleep" repeating on purpose, but maybe you can mix it up like..
I can't sleep
I can't dream

I can't sleep
I can't breathe

I can't sleep
I can't feel

But I really REALLY like it.
 
B

buster_medow

New member
Darkness comes like a wet blanket
suffocating and heavy
moonlight glows on the wall
its silver light a ghostly visage

I cant sleep
I cant sleep
my stomach churns
yet i feel no hunger

Events of the day play out
like a silent movie
broken at intervals
by a new scene

I cant sleep
I cant sleep
I perspire
yet i feel no warmth

The black dog barks
its echo resonating in the gallery
I drift around the room
yet i cant see

I cant sleep
I cant sleep
I toss and turn
and feel no comfort

Hands of the clock teasing
mocking my plight
pointing accusing hands
the watchfull judge

I cant sleep
I cant sleep
only the shadows
can hear me screaming.
 
M

meganm

Member
It is pretty good. I thought the idea/ what it was based on was really good. It was pretty descriptive also. I could feel the emotion. in it. But there is no punctuation...
 
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