Do you think my dialogue sounds dull? I want it to sound touching :(?

Jane

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(if I have something wrong please tell me where and why)

** (In my novel the whole thing is mostly about Jen and her on again off again relationship with a forbidden boy. She dates him even though he is dating her best friend)

** * *"I never thought I could love someone so much that I would lie just to be with you," Jen said avoiding his eyes.
** * * *Mark looked at her like he lost something he loved. "But _____ I have loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you..."
"It doesn't matter now I can't be with you because, well first of all I can't have a long distance relationship it's hard and I'm not that patient."
"____ trust me. Is that really the reason?" Mark said, taking her hand.
** *"What other reason is there?" She pulled away her hand.
** * *"____, told me she isn't mad at me anymore and she forgave you after one long week."
** *"I'll believe that when she says it to my face."
** *"Something about you is different."
** *Jen wondered why he changed the subject so quickly. "It's because My grandfather is alive. He faked his death... I don't want to talk about it right now." Jen said smiling with a calmer grin.
** *"Oh, I'm happy for you."
** *"Thank." Jen said looking around.
** *"So what are we going to do about us?"*Mark looked at her with hopeful eyes.
** It hurt Jen to see him look so desperate. "There is no us, keeping our relationship a secret makes what we had fake."
***

***
 
Jane,

First off, what's with those lines _______? Also, "Mark looked at her like" Looks better if you say it this way. "Mark looked at her as if" etc....

Also, "I have loved you since" Would look better like this. "I've loved you since" etc....

It's not bad, but you need to get rid of those lines...

PJ M
 
It's okay, but the whole Grandfather thing needs more emotion. Also, try not to be too soppy, I know that can put some readers and publishers off.

- Janice xox
 
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