Awesome_chick
New member
- Jul 10, 2010
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This is a bit of my chapter two and i think it sounds good, but i want a second opinion. i want to know how i could make it better, like by adding more detail. Could you please give me feed back on how you would improve it. and which bits i should change. as im stuck as to where i can make it better and how i should continue the paragraph. please if you have some ideas please tell me.
Here's the paragraph for you to read...
I was woken to the sun screaming through the shades of the cabin; rubbing my eyes I slowly dragged myself out of bed. It was much how I woke up every day now. As I stood by the window I stared into the lifeless forest that surrounds me and this cabin. My appetite was stirring me, burning my throat as revenge. I haven’t hunted since the day I found this cabin; it felt as though a lifetime had passed, but I was sure it had only been two days. I have to hunt for the sensation to stop, but I was devastated about taking the innocent lives of those around me. This life I now live in is unpredictable; I have no idea as to what could be waiting for me lurking in the shadows of the future. However one thing I have recently learnt about this life is to just follow your instincts. I couldn’t endure the pain in my throat for much longer, so I decided I would have to face my fear head on, I was going to have to hunt. I took a step towards the door, lowering my head as the blistering sun hit my face. I’d never taken much notice to how fascinatingly beautiful this forest actually was. The vines tangled around the trunks of the tall pine trees, almost as if they were fixed into the tree, green moss covered the rocks that sat scattered along the edge of the tree lines. I closed my eyes while relaxing my body as I absorbed the different scents filled the air around me. I took a deep breath trying to concentrate on each scent; Pine, dust, lavender. They all seemed to be an innocent enough scent, none of the scents seemed to draw on me. I could hear the sound of very distant heart beats in among the trees gracefully moving in time to the sound of tiny feet. I had wondered through the forest trying to track down the suspect to the heart beat. Moving wondrously I followed the faint trail of dirt through the forest, eyes alert with what may confront me. The scent was closer, I could feel it. I took in a deep breath inhaling the scent. I could taste the preys scent in my saliva. I crouched, bending my knees until I could touch the forests floor. At that point I knew my instincts had taken over my cold dread body, I knew I couldn’t snap out of it, I had to endure it. I stood fluently to my feet again, racing into the forest. Trees swept past my eyes like race cars speeding past each other on a speedway. I jumped of the tree branches gaining extra speed as I flung myself to the next. I jumped of the last branch, landing with force as I landed on my feet.
Here's the paragraph for you to read...
I was woken to the sun screaming through the shades of the cabin; rubbing my eyes I slowly dragged myself out of bed. It was much how I woke up every day now. As I stood by the window I stared into the lifeless forest that surrounds me and this cabin. My appetite was stirring me, burning my throat as revenge. I haven’t hunted since the day I found this cabin; it felt as though a lifetime had passed, but I was sure it had only been two days. I have to hunt for the sensation to stop, but I was devastated about taking the innocent lives of those around me. This life I now live in is unpredictable; I have no idea as to what could be waiting for me lurking in the shadows of the future. However one thing I have recently learnt about this life is to just follow your instincts. I couldn’t endure the pain in my throat for much longer, so I decided I would have to face my fear head on, I was going to have to hunt. I took a step towards the door, lowering my head as the blistering sun hit my face. I’d never taken much notice to how fascinatingly beautiful this forest actually was. The vines tangled around the trunks of the tall pine trees, almost as if they were fixed into the tree, green moss covered the rocks that sat scattered along the edge of the tree lines. I closed my eyes while relaxing my body as I absorbed the different scents filled the air around me. I took a deep breath trying to concentrate on each scent; Pine, dust, lavender. They all seemed to be an innocent enough scent, none of the scents seemed to draw on me. I could hear the sound of very distant heart beats in among the trees gracefully moving in time to the sound of tiny feet. I had wondered through the forest trying to track down the suspect to the heart beat. Moving wondrously I followed the faint trail of dirt through the forest, eyes alert with what may confront me. The scent was closer, I could feel it. I took in a deep breath inhaling the scent. I could taste the preys scent in my saliva. I crouched, bending my knees until I could touch the forests floor. At that point I knew my instincts had taken over my cold dread body, I knew I couldn’t snap out of it, I had to endure it. I stood fluently to my feet again, racing into the forest. Trees swept past my eyes like race cars speeding past each other on a speedway. I jumped of the tree branches gaining extra speed as I flung myself to the next. I jumped of the last branch, landing with force as I landed on my feet.