This is not me. This is my depression, I think. I am clear thinking most of the time. This is me being stuck in one place and not being able to move forward.
How does one learn to be motivated anyway? That and discipline are learned things and learning takes time. Its not like riding a bicycle. I was once capable, and now I am not. I keep on expecting to bounce right back into things because my world is for the most part stable, but it is a wrong expectation. I now have to spend time learning how to live a normal life.
Unfortunately, I cannot say I need discipline and have it. I have to learn it, in time. And unfortunately for the people around me, it means that I will continue to be unreliable and inefficient for the time being, until I have learned discipline. At the moment, I've been trying to be responsible in my life and making a mess of it.
And to top things off, taking medication when one has no discipline or motivation is really difficult. I'm beginning to realize why non-compliance rates for taking medication are so high. But that seems to be the only light at the end of the tunnel I can see, if I can find the right med, and if I can take it on a regular basis.
So on a day to day basis what does all this mean? Well I'm not getting anything done, or not much anyway. My car needs cleaning. My paperwork needs answering and my dog could probably use a walk. Simple enough sounding things, right? I have been able to wash clothes and go get groceries at Walmart, so I should be happy of some victories, right again? But I am not. I’m finding it nearly impossible to do the basic things to get my life in order. I just am not doing it.
I feel as if my problems are looked at by others as non existent. Lazy. If people had any idea at how often I look at myself that way, they would wonder why I haven’t ended it all already. I wish I had some sort of excuse, some sort of awful life event that made me this way, that caused me to be me. But I don’t have that to fall back on. I don’t have anything but genetics or just dealt a bad card to blame, and it’s the most frustrating, want to pull my hair out of my head dilema I have ever known. And in some ways I think the not knowing makes my anxiety/depression worse.
I have a loving supportive boyfriend and family, an their so amazing at times, that it alone makes me more depressed because I don’t feel I deserve their understanding, or better yet they don’t deserve to have to deal with all of this.
Im tearing apart at the seams, and I havent the faintest idea how to stitch myself back up.
Am I completely alone? Is there anyone out there who has ever felt the same or similar? Im so tired….
How does one learn to be motivated anyway? That and discipline are learned things and learning takes time. Its not like riding a bicycle. I was once capable, and now I am not. I keep on expecting to bounce right back into things because my world is for the most part stable, but it is a wrong expectation. I now have to spend time learning how to live a normal life.
Unfortunately, I cannot say I need discipline and have it. I have to learn it, in time. And unfortunately for the people around me, it means that I will continue to be unreliable and inefficient for the time being, until I have learned discipline. At the moment, I've been trying to be responsible in my life and making a mess of it.
And to top things off, taking medication when one has no discipline or motivation is really difficult. I'm beginning to realize why non-compliance rates for taking medication are so high. But that seems to be the only light at the end of the tunnel I can see, if I can find the right med, and if I can take it on a regular basis.
So on a day to day basis what does all this mean? Well I'm not getting anything done, or not much anyway. My car needs cleaning. My paperwork needs answering and my dog could probably use a walk. Simple enough sounding things, right? I have been able to wash clothes and go get groceries at Walmart, so I should be happy of some victories, right again? But I am not. I’m finding it nearly impossible to do the basic things to get my life in order. I just am not doing it.
I feel as if my problems are looked at by others as non existent. Lazy. If people had any idea at how often I look at myself that way, they would wonder why I haven’t ended it all already. I wish I had some sort of excuse, some sort of awful life event that made me this way, that caused me to be me. But I don’t have that to fall back on. I don’t have anything but genetics or just dealt a bad card to blame, and it’s the most frustrating, want to pull my hair out of my head dilema I have ever known. And in some ways I think the not knowing makes my anxiety/depression worse.
I have a loving supportive boyfriend and family, an their so amazing at times, that it alone makes me more depressed because I don’t feel I deserve their understanding, or better yet they don’t deserve to have to deal with all of this.
Im tearing apart at the seams, and I havent the faintest idea how to stitch myself back up.
Am I completely alone? Is there anyone out there who has ever felt the same or similar? Im so tired….